IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Entertainment such as electronic games on portal devices is harmful for individuals and the society they live in. Do you agree or disagree?

In
this
Linking Words
 day and age, recreational items
such
Linking Words
 as game consoles are becoming increasingly popular, but they are
also
Linking Words
 believed to negatively affect individuals. I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 viewpoint, as excessive screen time and the unregulated use of video
games
Use synonyms
 can lead to a range of serious consequences. One major concern is the psychological and
behavioral
Change the spelling
behavioural
show examples
 impact of violent or age-inappropriate
games
Use synonyms
 on young users. With the rapid expansion of the gaming industry, a wide variety of
games
Use synonyms
 have been released.
For instance
Linking Words
, in
games
Use synonyms
 like Minecraft, players develop creativity by crafting tools and building virtual environments.
However
Linking Words
, many violent video
games
Use synonyms
 are just as accessible, even to young children. These
games
Use synonyms
 may normalize aggressive
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
, especially when players spend extended hours immersed in violent content. A study conducted by researchers at the University of Chicago revealed that prolonged exposure to
such
Linking Words
games
Use synonyms
 correlates with increased aggression in players.
Although
Linking Words
 extreme, there have been documented cases where children
imitated
Wrong verb form
imitate
show examples
 violent acts seen in
games
Use synonyms
, which raises serious concerns about their influence. Another significant issue is addiction and its broader consequences. Modern video
games
Use synonyms
 are designed to be highly engaging, encouraging users to achieve goals and unlock new content.
This
Linking Words
 often leads to teenagers spending countless hours glued to screens, neglecting their academic performance, job prospects, and even basic daily routines. Over time,
this
Linking Words
 addiction can result in serious physical and mental health issues
such
Linking Words
 as malnutrition, cardiovascular problems, and social isolation. The long-term impact could
also
Linking Words
 be economic, as an unproductive younger generation could contribute to higher unemployment rates, putting pressure on a nation’s workforce.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the excessive use of electronic devices contributes to a sedentary lifestyle. Many young individuals skip meals or avoid physical activities in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of playing
games
Use synonyms
, leading to poor nutrition and a decline in
overall
Linking Words
 fitness. If
such
Linking Words
 habits persist unchecked, they could escalate into public health concerns. In the long run,
this
Linking Words
 may burden the healthcare system with preventable conditions stemming from unhealthy gaming habits. To address
this
Linking Words
, governments should consider implementing stricter regulations on the gaming industry,
such
Linking Words
 as content restrictions and screen-time limits for minors. In conclusion, electronic entertainment devices,
while
Linking Words
 offering certain benefits, can significantly harm mental health, productivity, and physical well-being if misused.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I believe that parental supervision, combined with governmental regulation, is essential to prevent long-term negative consequences associated with excessive gaming.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction is quite clear and sets the stage for your argument. However, consider briefly mentioning the positive side of gaming in your introduction to make it more balanced.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph clearly links back to your main argument. In the second paragraph, explicitly mention how addiction leads to negative outcomes to strengthen your point.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion summarizes your main points well, but it could be clearer by restating your strong agreement at the beginning of the conclusion.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples and studies in support of your argument, which is impressive and makes your points stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is organized well, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: