Doctors in many countries are saying that people are not getting enough physical exercises. What do you think about the cause of this problem? How can you address this?

There is an ongoing
trend
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that people are less likely to exercise. In reality, many doctors in several countries are warning that
this
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trend
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will
invite
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cause
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serious health issues
such
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as obesity and high blood pressure.
Hence
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, in
this
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essay, I will examine the main cause of
this
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trend
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and suggest some possible solutions.
To begin
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with, worldwide economic growth is the biggest reason for
this
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tendency. Specifically, as more nations become eager to promote economic development, employees in those countries will need to spend more
time
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on their work.
Moreover
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, tighter daily schedules tend to deprive them of free
time
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, leading to a decrease in the
time
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for them to exercise.
For example
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, in Japan, when
this
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nation's GDP surged in the 20th century, the proportion of people who were struggling with obesity
also
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increased.
Furthermore
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, it has been proved that
this
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Japanese
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case was caused by a smaller amount of
time
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for them to invest in physical activities.
Therefore
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, it is obvious that economic development directly causes
this
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unhealthy
trend
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.
On the other hand
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,
this
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information does not mean that there are no possible solutions. In fact, at that
time
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, the
Japanese
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government already realized widespread health issues and implemented several policies.
For instance
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, the
Japanese
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cabinet practised a policy which encouraged every company to have at least one gym.
This
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policy was significantly effective in reducing the number of patients who suffered from obesity as the percentage of them against the entire population drastically decreased.
Thus
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, it becomes clear that the most effective approach to resolving
this
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societal issue is governmental actions.
In other words
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, if governments implemented some public rules which aim to
promote
Verb problem
encourage
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citizens to
do
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apply
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exercise, resolving
this
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issue on a worldwide scale would be possible. In conclusion, the main reason behind
this
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phenomenon is worldwide economic growth because it forces ordinary people to spend less
time
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on physical activities.
However
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, as implied in the
Japanese
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case, governmental actions are remarkably effective in solving
this
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unhealthy tendency.
For
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this
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reason, I propose that every country should follow the policy that was practised by the
Japanese
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government in the 20th century.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your main points in the introduction.
coherence and cohesion
Use more linking words to improve flow between ideas.
task achievement
Add more specific examples to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Good introduction and conclusion that clearly outline the essay's purpose.
task achievement
Strong use of examples, like the mention of Japan, to support your points.
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