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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

In certain societies, adults always tell
children
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 that they can achieve success by making some effort in
life
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.
Although
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,
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apply
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 there are some advantages
such
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 as
children
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's morale and confidence increasing and their keeping certain special
goals
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 in their
lives
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, there are some disadvantages like increased pressure on mental health
as well as
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 setting unrealistic
goals
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 in
life
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. On the one hand, by always trying to encourage
children
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 to try hard enough which lead to boost their morale and confidence.
As a result
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, their clear mindset and increased interest can bring success in their professional
lives
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.
Moreover
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, elders are motivating kids to set a special goal in their
lives
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 where elders provide all facilities in terms of money, and quality education.
For example
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, a recent researcher's study has revealed that
children
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 who keep their
goals
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 since childhood have achieved them 99%.
On the other hand
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,
children
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 are often told that they can achieve their
goals
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.
This
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life
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-changing message can have terrible pressure on the mental health of
children
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 which can lead to the development of anxiety, stress, and depression
also
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.
Furthermore
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,
children
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 listen to
this
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 message and set unrealistic
goals
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 in their
lives
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 when they do not know which consequences they will face. and how to tackle it.
This
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 unrealistic goal will ruin their career
as well as
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 their
lives
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.
For instance
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, my best friend lost his
life
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 under the influence of his family. In conclusion, some societies try to be mediators between
children
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 and their achievement but
this
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 has both negative effects which as the end of
life
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 and positive effects which lead to success.

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coherence and cohesion
Try to organize your ideas better. Clearly separate your main points and support them more.
task achievement
Provide more examples to show your points clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure that your conclusion clearly summarizes the main points without introducing new ideas.
task achievement
You presented both advantages and disadvantages well.
task achievement
Your use of examples, even though limited, supports your argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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