IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many working people get little or no exerciseeither during the working dayorin their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? Give reasons for you answer and include any relevant examplesfrom your own knowledge or experience

In
this
Linking Words
 contemporary era,
people
Use synonyms
 who work
finds
Change the verb form
find
show examples
 it difficult to manage
time
Use synonyms
 for physical
activities
Use synonyms
 even when they are free,
as a consequence
Linking Words
, they experience detrimental
health
Use synonyms
 issues. There are a number of reasons
such
Linking Words
 as busy schedules that
hinders
Correct subject-verb agreement
hinder
show examples
 a person's ability to
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
,
however
Linking Words
, there are multifaceted strategies that can help
people
Use synonyms
 overcome
health
Use synonyms
 problems by managing their
time
Use synonyms
 for
excercises
Correct your spelling
exercise
, which will be discussed in the upcoming paragraphs. To commence with, the lives of
people
Use synonyms
 have
became
Change the verb form
become
show examples
 so hectic that they have a list of
activities
Use synonyms
 and chores that they have to do on weekends. Most of the families have working men and women who
works
Change the verb form
work
show examples
 long hours and meet each other at dinner. There are many responsibilities
such
Linking Words
 as cooking, cleaning, laundry and groceries that employed
people
Use synonyms
 do during their leisure
time
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 prefer to spend quality
time
Use synonyms
 with their family whenever they are free.
Such
Linking Words
 household chores and obligations
takes
Change the verb form
take
show examples
 so much
time
Use synonyms
 that
people
Use synonyms
 often deny engaging in physical
activities
Use synonyms
 which
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
show examples
 problems
such
Linking Words
 as obesity, high blood pressure and cardiovascular diseases.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are several approaches that working
people
Use synonyms
 can opt to reduce the chances of
Use synonyms
health related
Add a hyphen
health-related
show examples
 problems and to engage in physical
workout
Fix the agreement mistake
workouts
show examples
.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 should prefer
activities
Use synonyms
 that involve physical movements
such
Linking Words
 as camping when they go
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 vacation with their family.
This
Linking Words
 enables them to spend
time
Use synonyms
 with their loved ones
along with
Linking Words
 doing physical activity.
Moreover
Linking Words
, for getting
grocery
Fix the agreement mistake
groceries
show examples
,
instead
Linking Words
 of travelling
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 cars and other vehicles for short distances,
people
Use synonyms
 can
chose
Change the verb form
choose
show examples
 to cover the length by walking which will help them in physical movements.
To conclude
Linking Words
, though allocating
time
Use synonyms
 for
health
Use synonyms
 is difficult because of other obligations
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 can bring changes by selecting
activities
Use synonyms
 that provide
health
Use synonyms
 benefits
along with
Linking Words
 enjoyment .

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction explains the topic well, but try to make it clearer and more engaging. A strong hook can help.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure your conclusion summarizes the main points clearly. This will help tie your ideas together.
task achievement
Include more specific examples related to your suggestions to make them more convincing and support your ideas better.
task achievement
You clearly identify the reasons why people do not exercise, which shows good understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a logical flow of ideas, with paragraphs that generally stay on the same topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • physical activity
  • health problems
  • exercise routine
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • sedentary jobs
  • sedentary behavior
  • long working hours
  • lack of time
  • lack of motivation
  • inadequate facilities
  • stress and fatigue
  • lack of awareness
  • social pressure
  • access to parks
  • recreational areas
What to do next:
Look at other essays: