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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the global sales of different kinds of digital fames from 2000 to 2006.

The chart below shows the global sales of different kinds of digital fames from 2000 to 2006.
The bar chart illustrates the amount
sales
Use synonyms
 of different kinds of digital
games
Use synonyms
 (Mobile phone, Online, Console, Handheld) around the globe from 2000 to 2006. Units are measured in billions of dollars.
Overall
Linking Words
, handheld
games
Use synonyms
 kept
explicit
Correct article usage
an explicit
show examples
 leading position among all other types and showed
steady
Add an article
a steady
show examples
 increase over the
period
Use synonyms
 given.
While
Linking Words
 console
games
Use synonyms
 had
decreasing
Correct article usage
a decreasing
show examples
 trend over time, other newcomer
games
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as online and mobile ones, demonstrated
steady
Correct article usage
a steady
show examples
 increase after their debut. It is noticeable that handheld
games
Use synonyms
 had
majority
Add an article
the majority
a majority
show examples
 of
sales
Use synonyms
 over the whole
period
Use synonyms
, in
year
Change the article
the year
show examples
 2000 showing around 11$
billion
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 console
games
Use synonyms
 constituted
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
about
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half of
this
Linking Words
 amount which was slightly less than 6 $
billion
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the same year.
While
Linking Words
 the
sales
Use synonyms
 of handheld
games
Use synonyms
 grew steadily over the
period
Use synonyms
 reaching its highest point of a little less than 18$
billion
Use synonyms
 in 2006, console
games
Use synonyms
 experienced
on
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 opposite trend totaling
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
around 3$
billion
Use synonyms
 in 2006.
In contrast
Linking Words
, online
games
Use synonyms
 demonstrated
rapid
Add an article
a rapid
show examples
 increase in
sales
Use synonyms
 after
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 first appearance in 2001 grossing about 1$
billion
Use synonyms
.
Consequently
Linking Words
, by the end of the
Use synonyms
period
Add a comma
period,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 type of
Use synonyms
games
Fix the agreement mistake
game
show examples
 became the second in
sales
Use synonyms
, representing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half of the amount of the leading, with around 9$
billion
Use synonyms
.
Likewise
Linking Words
, mobile
games
Use synonyms
 showed
similar
Add an article
a similar
show examples
 trend, finalizing
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 performance at around 7$
billion
Use synonyms
 in 2006.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words sales, games, period, billion with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 5 times.
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