IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some cultures, children are being told that they can achieve anything if they work hard.What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

There is no denying
fact
Correct article usage
the fact
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 that the
phenomena
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phenomenon
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 of diligence among the younger ones is ubiquitous across the globe
due to
Linking Words
 its importance.
Majority
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The majority
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 of folks are in
the
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apply
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favor of
this
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 statement.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
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 some of the people highlight its demerits. In my
further
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 paragraphs,
merits
Correct article usage
the merits
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 and demerits of the same will be discussed. To commence with , the first and foremost key benefit is that they can achieve their goals and ambitions with their
hard working
Add a hyphen
hard-working
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 nature as popularity comes with dedication and
perservance
Correct your spelling
perseverance
.
For instance
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, if any student wants amazing marks in their academic studies
subsequently
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 they have to spend
atleast
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at least
 4 to 5 hours
everyday
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every day
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 with books . Another benefit is that children can attract intelligence,
punctuality
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and punctuality
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 early in their
life
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lives
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as a result
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, they become independent and
they
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apply
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will assist other pupils with their majestic intellectual level. On the darker side , some of the drawbacks which
makes
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make
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 it problematic are , first younger ones are not ready to accept
substantial
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the substantial
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 responsibility of
work
Wrong verb form
working
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 hard because
to
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of
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 distinctive intellectual memory.
For instance
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, as per a survey which was conducted in China only 30%
students
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of students
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 were willing to stretch their boundaries in order to
enhanced
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enhance
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 their knowledge and information and others
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
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manager
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managed
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 to get only passing marks in their annual tests.
Secondly
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, it could be a reason
of
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for
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 stress and anxiousness for them and they
fell
Correct your spelling
feel
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 disappointed and embarrassed .
To conclude
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, to the above statement neither its pros can be neglected nor its cons .It is a mixed bag of positives and negatives .
However
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, in my
opinion
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opinion,
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 children should be encouraged to do hard work in order to expand their horizons to become a better version of themselves.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph clearly supports the main idea of your essay. Try to stay focused on the topic in each paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words to connect your ideas (like 'first','next', 'finally') to help the reader follow your thoughts.
task achievement
You might want to give more specific examples to support your points. This can make your ideas clearer and stronger.
task achievement
Try to express your thoughts more clearly. Sometimes, complex sentences can make it hard for readers to understand your main point.
task achievement
You have a clear introduction and conclusion that both present your main idea.
task achievement
You show an understanding of both the advantages and disadvantages, which is good for a balanced viewpoint.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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