IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but people believe there are other external factors that influence us. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Contentment is obtained from various sources and each individual has different ways to reach it. Some people argue that joy comes from within,
while
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 others agree that it is caused by external factors.
This
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 essay will discuss both statements and why I side with the former. On one hand, our surrounding plays a significant role in navigating our moods and feelings as we are social creatures, which have uncountable touch points with other beings.
For instance
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, a girl is utterly bothered by a lawnmower noise from her neighbour in the morning,
hence
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 she feels unhappy and irritated.
This
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 proves how something that has no direct relation to us can be so influential to our delightfulness.
Thus
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, the environment plays a pivotal role in one's life, which can boost or decrease our level of contentment.
Nonetheless
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, our personal pleasure should come from the inside as we are the ones who have the power over ourselves.
For example
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, there is a famous philosophical belief named "Stoicism", which teaches everyone to ignore things that are out of our authority and focus on the aspects within our control.
Consequently
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,
this
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 way of thinking leads society to put ourselves as a focal point without wasting too much energy to be bothered by unchangeable events. To summarise, our environment can be the reason why we are joyful, yet it is our responsibility to control how we react to certain conditions.
Hence
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, the personal effort to focus on ourselves and lead our own happiness offsets the impact of the external facets.

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coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences within the paragraph are linked to this central topic. Avoid including multiple ideas that may detract from coherence.
coherence cohesion
Transitional phrases and cohesive devices (such as 'on the other hand', 'for example', and 'consequently') are used effectively to some extent, but there's room for improvement. You should aim for smoother transitions and clear logical progression throughout.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates an ability to answer the question and address the task, but you should expand further on the main points with more detailed examples and explanations to fully develop your arguments. Aim for a more thorough exploration of the discussed viewpoints.
task achievement
Be sure your examples are fully developed and clearly connected to the arguments you're making. They should be relevant and specific enough to convincingly support your points and enhance the clarity of your essay.
task achievement
Both sides of the argument are covered, and your personal opinion is included as required. However, try to present a more balanced discussion before stating your own view. Ensure that your opinion is clearly differentiated from the discussed views and woven consistently throughout the conclusion.
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