(07/11/2015) Whether or not someone achieves their aims is mostly by a question of luck. To what extent do you agree or disagree?13

In recent years, after graduating from high
school
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, many young
people
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wonder
Wrong verb form
wondered
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whether they should keep on with their education
further
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or not, or whether they should enter the workforce immediately.
While
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a large number of
people
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believe that continuing on to university or college is the best way to guarantee a successful career, others argue that working right after graduation is a better option that offers more practical benefits. On the one hand, it is
also
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common knowledge that entering employment straight after high
school
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can bring about a range of advantages.
Firstly
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, young
people
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who choose
this
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path have the opportunity to earn money at an earlier stage, and because they are often mature enough, they are able to become independent and support themselves with their own income.
This
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early exposure to the working world not only helps them cover their living expenses
,
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apply
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but
also
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enables them to develop a sense of responsibility.
Secondly
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, those who opt for immediate employment tend to progress rapidly in their chosen profession, as they can accumulate practical experience and workplace skills from a younger age, which is what many employers find valuable when promoting staff.
On the other hand
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, there are several convincing reasons why many students are well advised to continue their studies after high
school
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. A university or college education equips young
people
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with advanced knowledge and qualifications that are essential for chasing the top jobs in today’s increasingly competitive job market. Candidates who hold a degree usually have a significant advantage over those who do not, since hundreds of applicants often compete for the same desirable positions.
For example
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, in Vietnam, graduates with engineering degrees are not only highly paid but
also
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more likely to secure stable and well-respected jobs. In conclusion, both working straight after high
school
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and continuing with higher education can offer distinct advantages depending on the individual’s personal circumstances and career goals.
Therefore
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, young
people
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should carefully evaluate their options to decide which is the go-to choice for students to ensure future success.

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task achievement
Try to provide a more direct answer to the question in your introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer linking words to help the flow between your ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
Add more specific and relevant examples to support your main points.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a good structure with clear introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples that are directly related to your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example
Topic Vocabulary:
  • diligence
  • consistent effort
  • inherent talent
  • honing skills
  • external factors
  • upbringing
  • social connections
  • economic background
  • right place at the right time
  • contributing factor
  • conjunction
  • success
  • achievements
  • endeavors
  • fortune
  • serendipity
  • determinants
  • efficacy
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