IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that the government should financially support retired people. Others feels that those who have retired should pay to support themselves. Discuss both these points and give your own opinion.

As the population grows around the world, the question is who is responsible for assisting retired people becomes increasingly significant.
While
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 some believe that higher authorities should pay to aid a ceased employee, others think that the individual must pay for their expenses.
This
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 essay will explain both views with suitable examples and give my opinion.
To begin
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, the first and foremost reason why leaders are accountable is to provide help to senior citizens, which is a tax. To explain it, when folks are young, they work and give a part of their salary to the government as a tax, which is used for construction, occupation, or other social services.
Additionally
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, when they grow older and are unable to work, the authorities are responsible for paying their fund back.
For example
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, in Canada, some portion of workers' payment is cut and returned when they leave their job to help them financially, which is a great benefit for the masses because they don't need to beg money from someone;
Hence
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, they live their life gracefully and respectfully. Moving towards another point of view that people should be obligated to prepare for retirement is
due to
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 several reasons, the major one being savings. To elaborate, every person is aware that one day they will get old and incapable of a job, so they should make preparations before, by saving money.
Moreover
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, the guarantee of having financial support at a certain age without tasks can make individuals lazy.
For instance
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, a survey conducted by the University of America reported that more than 50% of Americans work just to cover their expenses, and when they have capital, they quit their job and start again when every single penny over they never thinking about savings.
Due to
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 the assurance of income in old age.
To conclude
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,
although
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 both points have their benefits and side effects, I am in favour of the former statement that the government should provide Financial security in later life for a few reasons,
such
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 as to live life peacefully and so on.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that the ideas flow logically from one to the next. This helps the reader follow your argument more easily.
task achievement
Use clearer examples that directly support your points. This makes your argument stronger and easier for the reader to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Work on using correct grammar and sentence structures. This will improve the clarity of your writing.
task achievement
You clearly present both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced approach to the topic.
task achievement
Your examples provide some insight into your points and help illustrate your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial support
  • Government aid
  • Basic standard of living
  • Poverty reduction
  • Social contract
  • Health issues
  • Self-support
  • Personal responsibility
  • Savings culture
  • Financial burden
  • Taxes
  • Dignity
  • Pension plans
  • Personal investments
  • Economic contribution
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