IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

In some of the nations, the major part of the population consists of young
people
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 , and the number of older citizens is comparatively less. The trend has several benefits in terms of an energetic workforce and emerging professionals,
while
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 the drawbacks of overrepresentation of adults cannot be ignored, as it leads to limited availability of experienced individuals.
According to
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 me, the pros of
this
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 phenomenon are more than the cons. There are multifaceted advantages of having more youngsters in a territory.
Firstly
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,
people
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 aged 12 to 24 years are on the verge of development and are more energetic. The young adults are able to do more physical workouts because of their stamina and resistance to diseases , which aged
people
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 find difficult to cope with. These qualities help the companies get employees who are productive , which
consequently
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 leads to an increase in profits.
Additionally
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, young students who are enrolled in professional courses are the future of the nation. In educational settings, children are taught to operate technology and education is aligned with the recent trends of the country. The graduate candidates bring more knowledge and ideas
for
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to
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 the public and
the
Correct article usage
apply
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businesses , which results in improving the quality of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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production and bringing innovative items
for
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to
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 the general
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people
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public
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.
Thus
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, if a huge number of elders occupy professional positions in the organisations, the youth will not get the opportunity to demonstrate their skills.
On the other hand
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, there
are
Verb problem
is are
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 detrimental impact of having limited elderly
people
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 in the society. Aged
people
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 hold the local culture, traditions, history and experience. They have expertise in certain fields
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 they possess because of their real life and professional experience. Sometimes, the latest technology fails , but the traditional ways of practice help in getting rid of problems.
Therefore
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, no matter how updated the nation is, there is still a need to have experienced old
people
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 who can have a positive impact on society in terms of connecting the children with their culture and implementing their experience. In conclusion, though older
people
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 are equipped with traditional skills and strategies but a higher number of adults represent the future of the nation by providing professional opportunities to recently graduated and having workers who are more capable of doing physical activities.
Therefore
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, I believe that the positives of having fewer old
people
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 outweigh the negatives.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly introduce both sides of the argument in the introduction. This provides a better groundwork for your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Use paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas. Each paragraph should focus on one point or argument.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples that support your points. This will help strengthen your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Check for grammar and punctuation errors to make your writing clearer and easier to read.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear opinion about the topic, which is essential for IELTS writing.
task achievement
You have provided some good points about the benefits of young adults in the workforce.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
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