IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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People
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 have drifted apart into two when choosing which one is more important: competing or collaborating.
Although
Linking Words
 some value competition for its nuance of getting on top in
society
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, I somewhat agree that we should cooperate more to achieve greater achievements together and make new innovations for
society
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.
People
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 have been valuing competition for its purpose to climb the social and economic ladder in
society
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. The top level at offices, schools, and even social life does not serve everyone. One should work hard to earn a higher place than others for the reward of a better opportunity and quality of life.
For example
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, in a business and organization scheme, only less than five
people
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 could get to a high-positioned title with a higher salary
such
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 as the board of trustees or managerial position.
However
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, the development of technology and mankind's era requires
public
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the public
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 to work together to reach more significant goals. Unlike possessing only vertical achievements in one’s life, our current world needs inventions and collaboration. By collaborating,
people
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 can shift the focus from only caring about how to achieve the top to colliding skills and making breakthroughs for a bigger impact in
society
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.
For instance
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, with the recent inventions of Artificial Intelligence (AI) recently, companies should consider open possibilities to work
together with
Linking Words
 tech companies to integrate two said areas. In conclusion, despite the fact that competition works for pursuing individual ambitions to be on top, I predominantly contend that cooperation and collaboration are the keys for us to move forward as a civilization. The authorities and private stakeholders might consider
to expand
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expanding
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 partnership opportunities for greater goods.

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task achievement
Clarify your stance more explicitly in your introduction. Instead of saying 'I somewhat agree,' state clearly if you believe cooperation is more important, and mention both perspectives briefly.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs are structured clearly. Each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence that reflects the main idea.
task achievement
Provide more specific and relevant examples to support your points. For instance, using a well-known case of collaboration, such as joint ventures between companies, would strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Use transition words to improve the flow of ideas within and between paragraphs. This will make your essay easier to follow.
content
You presented balanced arguments for both sides, demonstrating an understanding of the debate around competition and collaboration.
content
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your key points and clearly states your opinion.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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