IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

in spite of the advances in medicine, many people around the world still die of easily preventable. why is this the case? what can be done about this problem?

Even though medicine has advantages, individuals around the globe still die of diseases that can be easily cured. In issues like
this
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, the individual's income and life problems play a vital role, leading to negative outcomes.
However
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, it can be reduced.
Due to
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 people's financial state, using expensive medication is simply not an option for most. As economic crises take place in many countries, antibiotics have become a luxury use to the community.
For example
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, in African countries, more than 90% of citizens are from the lower class.
Therefore
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, their earnings go to their expenses,
such
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 as food, clothing and not for medicine.
Additionally
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, people of
this
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 class are full of life stress, struggling to make ends meet , so worrying about their well-being is not a priority. In a recent study, in Vietnam, the poor who live in suburban areas sell their kidneys for only 2000 dollars in order to provide for their family, stating that they do not put their well-being first.
This
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 later leads to issues
such
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 as health problems and the loss of the ability to work. The governments can provide subsidies for healthcare, making it cheaper for people to get the help they need.
For example
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, making medication free for the elderly and children would be a big support for approximately 50% of the community.
In addition
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, health education should be taught to a large minority of the public so that they can be educated about future problems that they may face, making it easier to prevent or cure diseases that are minor
.
Check wording
diseases.
show examples
 In conclusion, individuals lack the instinct to prevent diseases that can be cured with pills
due to
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 issues
such
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 as their financial state and other worries.
However
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,
this
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 can be fixed by government support and education , so later on, the negative effects
following
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this
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 will be reduced significantly.

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task achievement
Provide clearer examples and explanations for your main points. Make sure each point is fully developed.
coherence and cohesion
Consider using more linking words between sentences and paragraphs to improve the flow of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Rephrase awkward sentences for better clarity and grammatical accuracy.
task achievement
You have successfully identified important factors affecting health issues.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion summarizes the main points well and suggests solutions.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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