IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

It is widely believed that
children
Use synonyms
are having
Wrong verb form
have
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 excessive exposure to
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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screen
Fix the agreement mistake
screens
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 in
the
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will explore the intention behind
such
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 action and why I advocate that it is a negative development.
To begin
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 with,
children
Use synonyms
 are addicted to the smartphone
due to
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 its convenient, recreational and attractive characteristics. First and foremost, messaging apps
such
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 as Instagram and
Whatsapp
Use the right word
WhatsApp
show examples
 are very prevalent among the younger generation, enabling the real-
time
Use synonyms
 online interaction that
bring
Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
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 considerable convenience and greatly
facilitate
Correct subject-verb agreement
facilitates
show examples
 people’s
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
.
Secondly
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, people who are keen on chasing trends may be indulged in some social media — TikTok and Facebook — which involve short and
fast-past
Use the right word
fast-paced
show examples
 videos that completely satisfy their curiosity.
Moreover
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, some meaningless and satisfying games may be
the
Correct article usage
a
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 major distraction for teenagers who are obsessed with the internet. In fact, students who are demotivated and frustrated by their low
score
Fix the agreement mistake
scores
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
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 tests are more likely to be fascinated with games which help them achieve
the
Correct article usage
a
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 sense of accomplishment. From my perspective, I firmly
suppose
Verb problem
believe
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 that prolonged exposure to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
 is a negative development which may cause serious health
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
.
This
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 is because
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
eyes
Fix the agreement mistake
eye
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 strain may be formed if adolescents are spending too much
time
Use synonyms
 on their phone without any outdoor activities to
fresh
Use the right word
refresh
show examples
 their eyes. A study conducted by researchers had claimed that the problem of
children
Use synonyms
's nearsightedness is becoming increasingly severe and occurring at an earlier age.
Furthermore
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,
children
Use synonyms
’s physiological functions may decline
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 their emotions could accumulate stress
due to
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 insufficient exercise and lack of
time
Use synonyms
 spent outdoors.
As a result
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, it will
pose
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a negative impact on both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
physical and mental health. In conclusion,
children
Use synonyms
 tend to spend a considerable amount of
time
Use synonyms
 on
such
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 activities
due to
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 their entertainment value, convenience, and strong appeal.
However
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, excessive usage may cause significant illness, so parents could take sensible precautions
such
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 as
guide
Replace the word
guiding
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 and
control
Wrong verb form
controlling
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 their screen
time
Use synonyms
 in order to avoid exploitation.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure to clearly state your main idea in each paragraph to support your argument better.
task achievement
Use more examples to make your points stronger and more convincing.
coherence and cohesion
Rephrase some sentences for clarity and flow, so the reader easily understands your message.
task achievement
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
Good use of reasons to explain why children are attached to smartphones.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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