IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

With the appearance of electronic devices such as computers and televisions, residents actually work out less which has negative effects on their health. Do you agree or disagree?

The effect of electronic
devices
Use synonyms
 on people may or may not have decreased their level of
health
Use synonyms
. With the assumption that electronic device usage affects the well-being of a person negatively, depending on the duration of
utilization
Use the right word
utilisation
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 and how it is being
handled
Punctuation problem
handled,
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 might be a root cause of how their lifestyle declines or vice-versa.
However
Linking Words
, it is my belief that it varies
on
Verb problem
depending on
show examples
 how people manipulate these. It is probably true to say that electronic
devices
Use synonyms
 have concerning effects on
residents
Check wording
residents'
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health
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, in
utilizing
Use the right word
utilising
show examples
 it in a timely manner and being conscious of how they handle these, it reduces the risk of potential harm to one's
health
Use synonyms
. These gadgets can affect a person's
health
Use synonyms
 by overusing
while
Linking Words
 not wearing anti-radiation glasses, not using the 20-minute rule, and being too close to the device
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 can strain their eyes. On top of that, there are plenty of electronic
devices
Use synonyms
 that can benefit all aspects of
health
Use synonyms
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as treadmills
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 present at the gym, zumba activities can be played
in
Change preposition
on
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 a television or computer and even
a
Change preposition
on a
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mobile phone.
As a result
Linking Words
, the negative effects of these electronic
devices
Use synonyms
to
Change preposition
on
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health
Use synonyms
depends
Correct subject-verb agreement
depend
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 on how they are managed.
It is clear that
Linking Words
 excessive usage of something may be one of the causes of a declining effect to
health
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 can be reversed by using it in a beneficial way.

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Task Achievement
Your introduction could be clearer. State your opinion more strongly and provide a roadmap for your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to make your paragraphs more clearly focused. Each main idea should be in its own clear paragraph.
Task Achievement
Add more specific examples to support your claims. For example, can you think of a specific study or data about health effects?
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to connect your ideas more clearly. Use linking words like 'first', 'next', and 'finally' to help the reader follow your thought process.
Content
You have a good understanding of how electronic devices can both harm and help health.
Language
You show some good vocabulary when discussing health effects, which adds depth to your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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