IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Nowadays, Individuals spend a lot of their free time playing games on mobile phones. What is your opinion about this trend?

Nowadays, many
people
Use synonyms
 spend much of their free
time
Use synonyms
 playing
games
Use synonyms
 on their mobile phones. In my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 trend has both good and bad sides. On the one hand, playing mobile
games
Use synonyms
 can be good for
relax
Replace the word
relaxation
show examples
. After studying or working for many
haurs
Correct your spelling
hours
,
people
Use synonyms
 can feel tired and stressed. Playing
games
Use synonyms
 helps them to feel happy and forget about their problems for a little
bit
Check wording
while
show examples
time
Use synonyms
.
Also
Linking Words
, some
games
Use synonyms
 can improve thinking skills because they require quick decisions and strategies.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I think spending too much
time
Use synonyms
 on mobile
games
Use synonyms
 is not good.
People
Use synonyms
 may become addicted and waste a lot of
time
Use synonyms
 which they could use for studying, exercising, or talking to family and friends.
Moreover
Linking Words
, looking at the phone screen for too long can damage their eyes and cause headaches. It can
also
Linking Words
 make
people
Use synonyms
 feel lonely because they do not spend
time
Use synonyms
 with others in real life. In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
show examples
 I believe playing
games
Use synonyms
 on mobile phones is fine if
people
Use synonyms
 do it only for a short
time
Use synonyms
 to relax.
However
Linking Words
, if they play for many hours every day, it can have negative effects on their health and social life.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to add more specific examples to support your ideas. This will make your argument stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to check your spelling and grammar, such as 'hours' instead of 'haurs'.
coherence and cohesion
Use more linking words to connect ideas, like 'however' and 'on the other hand'. This will help the flow of your essay.
task achievement
You made clear points about both the positive and negative sides of mobile games.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion sums up your ideas well and gives a clear opinion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • free time
  • playing games
  • mobile phones
  • opinion
  • trend
  • improve
  • skills
  • focus
  • connect
  • friends
  • relaxation
  • stress relief
  • long day
  • unwinding
  • learning
  • education
  • apps
  • skills
  • enjoyable
  • excessive
  • negative effects
  • physical activity
  • social isolation
  • balance
  • activities
What to do next:
Look at other essays: