IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Many
people
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 believe that public
health
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 can be improved by providing more
sports
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facilities
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, as
this
Linking Words
 can help
people
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 become more active.
However
Linking Words
, I side with those who argue that other actions are needed, since not everyone will use these
facilities
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, and
health
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 problems are often caused by deeper issues. On the one hand, proponents of increasing
sports
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facilities
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 argue that
this
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 encourages
people
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 to exercise more. The advocates of
this
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 view claim that many
people
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 do not work out because they do not have easy access to places for physical activity.
This
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 perspective is often based on the idea that more gyms, parks, or swimming pools will motivate
people
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 to live healthier lives.
For example
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, when a new public gym was built in my city, many
people
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 started to go there regularly, and some even began to lose weight or feel stronger.
On the other hand
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, I side with those who concur that public
health
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 depends on more than just having places to exercise.
This
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 perspective is often based on the idea that many
health
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 problems come from bad habits, poor diet, or lack of knowledge. If
people
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 are not educated about how to take care of their bodies, or if they cannot afford healthy food,
then
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sports
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facilities
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 will not help much. A clear illustration of
this
Linking Words
 is in some low-income areas, where
people
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 continue to suffer from
health
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 problems, even if free
facilities
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 are available, because they still eat fast food and have no support to change their lifestyle.
Although
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 building more
sports
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facilities
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 may help some
people
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 stay active, I believe that its greatest benefit lies in supporting other efforts like education and better food options. Public
health
Use synonyms
 will only improve when all of these areas are addressed together.

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task achievement
Make sure to introduce the specific measures you think are important in the conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to improve logical flow.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to back up your points and make your argument stronger.
coherence and cohesion
The essay presents both sides of the argument clearly, which is a strong point.
task achievement
Good use of personal example to illustrate a point about sports facilities.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
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