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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The diagram below shows the manufacturing process for making sugar from sugar cane. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The diagram below shows the manufacturing process for making sugar from sugar cane. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The diagram below illustrates
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the
Use synonyms
step by
Use the right word
step-by-step
show examples
step
Use synonyms
process
Use synonyms
 for making
sugar
Use synonyms
 using
natural
Correct article usage
a natural
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 resource called
sugar
Use synonyms
 cane.
Overall
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 is a man-made
process
Use synonyms
 and the
process
Use synonyms
 is divided into 7 major stages, starting with
sugar
Use synonyms
 cane harvesting to ending with drying and cooling
end
Correct article usage
the end
show examples
 product.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
growing
Correct article usage
the growing
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 phase is between 12-18 months for most of the
sugar
Use synonyms
 canes
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
step
Use synonyms
 is to harvest them using machine power or
man power
Use the right word
manpower
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. In the third
step
Use synonyms
, they put
sugar
Use synonyms
 canes into a machine for
crushing
Correct article usage
the crushing
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process
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 makes juice in the end.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
machine
Correct article usage
a machine
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 called
limestone
Correct article usage
a limestone
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 filter is used for purifying juice in the fourth
step
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
evaporator
Correct article usage
an evaporator
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 is used to heat juice where it
becames
Correct your spelling
becomes
 syrup.
Stage
Correct article usage
The stage
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 before
Linking Words
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
step
Use synonyms
 is called centrifuge
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 separates
syrup
Correct article usage
the syrup
show examples
 and
sugar
Use synonyms
 crystals from
ech
Correct your spelling
each
 other.
Lastely
Correct your spelling
Lastly
, in the final
step
Use synonyms
 of the seven steps longer
process
Use synonyms
 is to dry and cool the
sugar
Use synonyms
 crystals before
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
turns
Correct subject-verb agreement
turn
show examples
 into
sugar
Use synonyms
.

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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 70%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words step, process, sugar with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 3 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • manufacturing process
  • sugar cane
  • harvesting
  • transporting
  • factory
  • crushing
  • extracting
  • juice
  • filtering
  • impurities
  • heating
  • evaporating
  • syrup
  • boiling
  • crystallizing
  • sugar
  • separating
  • drying
  • packaging
  • distribution
  • stage
  • process
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