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Writing Samples
Band 5

The bar chart shows the percentage of adult male smokers in seven countries along with the world average in 2000 and 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart shows the percentage of adult male smokers in seven countries along with the world average in 2000 and 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
The data presents the proportion of male
smokers
Use synonyms
 over the age of 18 in seven
countries
Use synonyms
,
along with
Linking Words
 the world average in 2000 and 2015.
Overall
Linking Words
, a trend of decreasing
smokers
Use synonyms
 can be seen in most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
countries
Use synonyms
,
as well as
Linking Words
 the world average. Armenia, Bangladesh and Cuba have the highest population of
smokers
Use synonyms
. All three
countries
Use synonyms
 show a decrease in
smokers
Use synonyms
 from 2000 to 2015. Cuba shows the lowest decline
from
Punctuation problem
, from
show examples
 about 53% to 51%. Bangladesh
Linking Words
however
Punctuation problem
, however
show examples
, shows the most significant decrease, from about 63% down to 38%. Armenia
also
Linking Words
 shows a significant drop in
smokers
Use synonyms
, decreasing the average from 65% to about 52%. Mexico, Australia and the world average have a lower total of
smokers
Use synonyms
 in 2000, but just like the previously mentioned
countries
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,
also
Linking Words
 show decreases towards 2015.
Whereas
Linking Words
 Australia
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 reaches the lowest percentage of male
smokers
Use synonyms
, with a percentage of approximately 17%. Egypt and Lebanon are the only
countries
Use synonyms
 where the average male
smokers
Use synonyms
 increased. Both Egypt and Lebanon started with 34% in 2000, rising to 49% and 44% respectively.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 67%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words smokers, countries with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "show" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significant" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • bar chart, percentage, adult male smokers
  • world average, increased, decreased
  • tobacco consumption, lung cancer
  • public health, awareness campaigns
  • government policy, smoking bans
  • health risks, nicotine, tobacco industry
  • chart analysis, data comparison
  • statistical trend, significant fluctuation
  • stagnation, steady rise, moderate fall
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