IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

It has been observed
nowadays
Correct word choice
that nowadays
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children
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 are spending more
time
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 on their smartphones daily. I presume that
drawbacks
Correct article usage
the drawbacks
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 of
this
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 habit would surpass its merits to a major extent as it affects health and child development. My position is elaborated
further
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 with reasons and relevant examples. Examining
causes
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the causes
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 of
children
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 using
phones
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 is that these days
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phones
Punctuation problem
, phones
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 are easily accessible.
Firstly
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, most
of
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apply
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parents are working to run their house
and
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, and
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that is
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 why to keep
children
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busy
Punctuation problem
busy,
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 they must give a
smart phone
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smartphone
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 or some gadgets to their
children
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.
Secondly
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, day by day
there
Punctuation problem
, there
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 is
declining
Wrong verb form
a decline
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 in
outdoor
Correct article usage
the outdoor
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 activities
children
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 do not have many options left to do in their free
time
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.
Additionally
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,
phones
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 are becoming
important
Correct article usage
an important
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 part of our lives it is almost impossible to keep
children
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 away from
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 for a long
time
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.
On the contrary
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, the mentioned causes have side effects as well, because of spending a lot of
time
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 on screen
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children's
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, children's
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eye
Fix the agreement mistake
eyes
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 usually get
affects
Replace the word
affected
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 negatively.
Moreover
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, by ignoring the physical
activities
Punctuation problem
activities,
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 their health usually gets impacted.
For example
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, these days most
of
Change preposition
apply
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children
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 in school
needs
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need
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 to wear power glasses because their eyesight
get
Correct subject-verb agreement
gets
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 affected by
watching
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constantly watching
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 at screen
constantly
Correct word order
apply
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.
Furthermore
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, by spending most of
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time
Correct pronoun usage
their time
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 with
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phones
Punctuation problem
phones,
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 they cannot interact with people out there
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 their social life and communication skills are getting damaged eventually.
To conclude
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 the topic, it can be
finally
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commented
Verb problem
concluded
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 that
children
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 using a phone should be limited and under
a
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the
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 supervision of
elder
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older
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 people.
Also
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,
mostly
Rephrase
apply
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it should be educational and not for
the
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apply
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entertainment
purpose
Fix the agreement mistake
purposes
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 only.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea. It will help your reader follow your thoughts better.
Task Achievement
Try to give more detailed explanations for your points, so the reader can understand your ideas clearly.
Task Achievement
Use more specific examples or data to support your claims, which will strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
You have identified key points about the issue of children and smartphones and provided good reasons to support your opinion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your conclusion restates your main argument, which helps in summarizing your essay well.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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