IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

in many countries , people are now living longer than ever before . Some people say an ageing poplulation creates problems for governments . Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people . To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing popiltion outweigh the disadvantages

In many parts of the world,
people
Use synonyms
 are living longer
due to
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 improvements in healthcare, nutrition, and living standards.
While
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 some believe an ageing population can create serious problems for governments, others argue that elderly
people
Use synonyms
 bring many benefits to society. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both views and explain why I believe the disadvantages slightly outweigh the advantages. One of the biggest problems of having a growing number of elderly
people
Use synonyms
 is the pressure it puts on public services, especially the healthcare system. In Uzbekistan,
for example
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, older
people
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 usually need more medical treatment, which means more hospitals, doctors, and medicine are required.
This
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 increases the taxation burden on younger
people
Use synonyms
, as the government needs more money to support elderly citizens through pensions and free or low-cost healthcare.
Additionally
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, an ageing population can lead to a lower birth rate. Many young couples today use contraception and choose to have fewer children.
As a result
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, there are fewer working-age
people
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 to support the economy and pay taxes.
This
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 can cause a shortage of workers and slow economic development. In the long term, it may create difficulties for pension systems, as there are not enough young
people
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 contributing to support the retired generation.
On the other hand
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, elderly
people
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 can
also
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 have a positive impact on society. In Uzbek families, older members often help take care of grandchildren and teach traditional values and wisdom.
This
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 can reduce the need for paid childcare and strengthen family relationships.
Also
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, many retired
people
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 do volunteer work or help their communities in other ways, which can be very valuable. In conclusion,
while
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 there are some clear benefits of having more elderly
people
Use synonyms
 in society, I believe the disadvantages
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as the burden on public services, lower birth rates, and increased
taxes
Punctuation problem
taxes,
show examples
 are more serious.
Therefore
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, the problems of an ageing population slightly outweigh the advantages.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure to connect ideas more clearly with linking words to improve flow.
task achievement
Provide a stronger explanation or solution to the problems mentioned.
structure
You presented a clear introduction and conclusion, summarizing your views well.
content
You included relevant examples from Uzbekistan, which supported your arguments nicely.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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