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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by ‎almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this ‎disturbing trend.‎ Show ideas and vocabulary / Find essays with the same topic

It was found that the percentage of obese young
in
Check wording
people in
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western
Fix capitalization
Western
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 society had risen by around 20% in the
last
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 decade.
This
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 essay will discuss the main
reasons
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 for
this
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 increase
as well as
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 the effects of it. Many
reasons
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 can play a role in
this
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noticable
Correct your spelling
noticeable
 trend.
However
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, the two main
reasons
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 are found to be the number of
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resturants
Correct your spelling
restaurants
 in western society and the
easiness
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ease
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 of reaching these
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resturants
Correct your spelling
restaurants
. It has been noticed that the number of
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resturants
Correct your spelling
restaurants
 in the western countries
were
Verb problem
has
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 increased by 100% in the
last
Linking Words
 decade
with
Punctuation problem
, with
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 more than 80% of
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 being unhealthy
Use synonyms
resturants
Correct your spelling
restaurants
.
Moreover
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, the
easiness
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ease
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 of having a delivered meal to your office or home makes ordering
the
Correct article usage
apply
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food
is
Verb problem
apply
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much preferred
than
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over
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 cooking
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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at
the house
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home
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.
On the other hand
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, the effects of
these
Fix the agreement mistake
this
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 obesity
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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increasignly
Correct your spelling
increasingly
 horrifying. It will mainly affect the
childeren themselfs
Correct your spelling
children themselves
 by
being not
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not being
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 able to perform sports easily
Linking Words
in
Punctuation problem
, in
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 addition to affecting the
gevernmental
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governmental
 spending
focuses
Correct subject-verb agreement
focus
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 as they will be forced to
focuses
Wrong verb form
focus
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in
Change preposition
on
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 having more hospitals to treat obese related diseases. The first impact goes beyond the kid not being able to perform a sport to a level where the
kid
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kid's
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 self-esteem
being
Wrong verb form
is
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 low
due to
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 that. With regards to the second
affect
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effect
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, the increase of obesity in a society will eventually lead to more diseases
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 will force the government to allocate a huge part of its budget
in
Change preposition
to
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 treating
this
Linking Words
 issue rather than focusing on innovation or any other
strategical
Correct word choice
strategic
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 objectives. In conclusion, the incremental percentage of overweight children
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
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 due mainly to two
reasons
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and
Correct word choice
which
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causing
Wrong verb form
caused
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 two unwanted
affects
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effects
show examples
. The causes were linked to
number
Correct article usage
the number
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 of
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resturants
Correct your spelling
restaurants
 and the
easiness
Check wording
ease
show examples
 of having the meal prepared for
you
Punctuation problem
you,
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while
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 the
affects
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effects
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 were linked to
kids
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kids'
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 confidence and the cost that
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 will pay.

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task achievement
Make sure to check spelling and grammar to enhance clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more effectively to improve flow between ideas.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples or data to support your points.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion.
content
You have identified the causes and effects of obesity, which is important for the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • increase
  • parents
  • children
  • healthy
  • unhealthy
  • food
  • exercise
  • lifestyle
  • marketing
  • education
  • processed
  • meals
  • activity
  • habits
  • percentage
  • consume
  • disturbing
  • trend
  • ten years
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