IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries people of all ages do sports and exercises a lot. Does this trend have more advantages or disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include examples from your own knowledge and experience.

In
contemporary
Correct article usage
the contemporary
show examples
 era,
mostly
Use the right word
most
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 live
Correct article usage
a sedantary
show examples
sedantary
Correct your spelling
sedentary
 lifestyle
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 to laziness, but in some nations population
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 more aware
to keep
Change preposition
of keeping
show examples
 themselves fit.
This
Linking Words
 trend
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 many advantages and some disadvantages. I will discuss it more precisely in the upcoming paragraphs.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
people
Use synonyms
 do exercises to keep their
Use synonyms
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 healthy. In
present
Correct article usage
the present
show examples
 timeline, social media is very popular among
people
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 there are many influencers who post
knowledegable
Correct your spelling
knowledgeable
 content which aware
people
Use synonyms
 to follow
rich
Correct article usage
a rich
show examples
 protein diet.
Therefore
Linking Words
, young individuals get attracted towards building muscles, and to do that they join
gymnasium
Replace the word
gym
show examples
 classes, where they sweat
there
Use the right word
their
show examples
 energy to get the gains.
However
Linking Words
, older
people
Use synonyms
 tend to do short period exercises, which boost their immune system and help to tackle the
disesases
Correct your spelling
diseases
.
For example
Linking Words
,
Indian
Correct article usage
the Indian
show examples
 government have constructed public
gym's
Check wording
gyms
show examples
 in every society and it has helped the
people
Use synonyms
 who could not afford it. Most importantly,
there
Use the right word
their
show examples
 obesity rate has decreased significantly.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, many
people
Use synonyms
 do activities to keep their
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 healthy.
While
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 exercising
individuals
Punctuation problem
, individuals
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 get fresh air and it regulates the
overall
Linking Words
body
Use synonyms
 better.
Specially
Rephrase
Specifically
show examples
, a person who
work
Correct subject-verb agreement
works
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 in the job sector needs their brain
healthy
Verb problem
to be healthy
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 to work more effectively, and if an individual
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
show examples
 better results to the company,
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 chances for promotion
increases
Fix the agreement mistake
increase
show examples
 because employers look for a person who can provide
overall
Linking Words
 benefits to their company.
For instance
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, human beings have many
harmones
Correct your spelling
hormones
 in their
body
Use synonyms
 and by exercising they release dopamine, which gives them happiness.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, if exercise
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 many positive
effects
Punctuation problem
effects,
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 it
also
Linking Words
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 some demerits.
Human-mind
Use the right word
Human mind
show examples
 in
today
Check wording
today's
show examples
 society is developed in
such
Linking Words
 a way
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that they want results very fastly
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 for that
reason
Punctuation problem
reason,
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 sometimes overtrain, which presents many consequences for
the
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 health. By overtraining
body
Use synonyms
 feels fatigued, and if muscles are
sore
Punctuation problem
sore,
show examples
then
Linking Words
 it stops the muscle growth
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
for
Fix capitalization
For
show examples
gains
Punctuation problem
gains,
show examples
 an individual
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 a good amount of sleep and
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 diet to rebuild their strength to exercise again.
For example
Linking Words
, most
peope
Correct your spelling
people
 use artificial protein to see the gains fast, and for
this
Linking Words
 specific
reason
Punctuation problem
reason,
show examples
 many youngsters have died by taking
overdose
Correct article usage
an overdose
show examples
 of it.
To conclude
Linking Words
, these activities provide many benefits to health, but there are some negative effects. I think its advantages
overwiegh
Correct your spelling
outweigh
 the disadvantages as mentioned above.

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task achievement
Your introduction is a good start, but you could make your thesis statement clearer. State clearly if you believe the advantages or disadvantages are stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to connect your ideas better. Use linking words like 'however,' 'moreover,' and 'for example' to help the flow of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are unclear and could be simplified. For example, 'people do exercises to keep their body healthy' could be 'people exercise to stay healthy.'
task achievement
You provided some examples, which is good. However, make sure they are fully explained and directly related to your main points.
strength
You show a good understanding of the topic and provide examples from different perspectives.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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