IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

In the recent past,
kids
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spend
Wrong verb form
have spent
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 time using their
smartphones
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 every day. In my opinion, I think spending on
smartphones
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 creates more disadvantages in
kids
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' development. It is fairly common that parents give their phones to their
children
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 to make them stay still and not cry, whether at home or in public.
However
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,
this
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 is not a good solution. The reason that
kids
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 can still be is that they are focusing on their
phone
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, and they focus on it to much than anything else.
As a result
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, they ignore whatever happened in their surrounding.
For instance
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, they will not hear their parents calling, if their on their
phone
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 in public. Ended up getting lost , which parents do not want to happen.
Moreover
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, the
over-use
Use the right word
overuse
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 of
smartphones
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 without limited screentime can affect
children
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's health. Light from
smartphones
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' screens is the main cause of eye conditions in
kids
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, especially when they watch the screen in the dark.
Additionally
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, it creates problems on their neck and spine as they have to lean down for many hours a day when using their
phone
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. Not only physical health, but
smartphones
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 can
also
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 affect their mental development. Research shows that
children
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 with lots of screentime cannot pay as much attention to something as they should because the
phone
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 screen is changing every time they use
.
Correct pronoun usage
it.
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 They will get bored easily if they have to focus on something for a long period of time. With all these considerations, I believe the negative effects of developments in
kids
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 who spend hours on the smartphone than positive effects. For the reasons of the bad health issues from using
smartphones
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, phones are
the
Correct article usage
a
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 cause that
children
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 ignore their surroundings

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear, but it could be stronger by clearly stating your main points. Try to outline what you will discuss in your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that connects to your main idea. This helps with the flow of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use more varied vocabulary, and avoid repeating the same phrases. This will make your writing more interesting.
task achievement
Your conclusion should summarize your main points more clearly and restate your opinion in a strong way to leave a clear impression.
task achievement
You made valid points about the negative impacts of smartphone use on health and attention.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant and help illustrate the problems associated with smartphone use.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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