Doctors should be responsible for educating their patients about how to improve their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It has been pointed out that teaching patients how to enhance their
health
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conditions
í
Verb problem
is í
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doctor’s responsibility. Personally, I thoroughly disagree with
this
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idea, and my opinion is that authorities ought to be in charge of
this
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problem
Punctuation problem
problem,
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as only governments have the rights and resources to raise ordinary
people
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’s awareness about their
health
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. First of all, politicians have the power to change the general public’s lifestyle to live healthier. Some
people
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who are in power can
give
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make
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new laws and open advertising campaigns to encourage
people
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to cheat.
This
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way can change the bad behaviour in everyone’s life, so that they can improve their physical
health
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and emotions.
For example
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, most college students in China said their heavy workloads had taken up too much time for physical activities. They suffered from insomnia and anxiety after local authorities introduced new regulations requiring them to
exercise
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for 30 minutes a day, and their psychological state improved.
Furthermore
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, only political leaders have enough funds to invest in building
exercise
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facilities to help the locals
to keep
Verb problem
stay
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healthy. The main cause of a significant proportion of
health
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problems is
lack
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a lack
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of
exercise
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which
Punctuation problem
, which
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is
due to
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lack
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a lack
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of areas where residents
cannot
Rephrase
can
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exercise
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. If the government can allocate funds to build playgrounds or purchase more fitness infrastructure, the
health
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problems of the
people
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will be solved.
For instance
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, in Shanghai, a large proportion of doctors said that after the local government built new central gardens with various fitness facilities, the digestive problems of patients, who were office workers, were treated because they had space to walk after lunch,
thus
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leading to excellent
health
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. In conclusion,
although
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people
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can comment differently about whether the doctors have the responsibility to tell the patient how to keep their
health
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or not, I argue that authorities play an important role in solving issues as they have power and financial resources.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that states the main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Provide clearer links between your ideas in each paragraph to improve flow.
task achievement
Include more specific examples or data to support your main points.
task achievement
Make your opinion clearer in the introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
You presented a clear opinion on the issue.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant and help to illustrate your points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • holistic approach
  • preventive measures
  • chronic diseases
  • medical interventions
  • healthcare professionals
  • consultations
  • dietitians
  • health educators
  • literacy skills
  • visual aids
  • digital tools
  • reputable online resources
  • community programs
  • ongoing support
  • patient outcomes
  • initial guidance
  • mitigated
  • follow-up consultations
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