IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy things. Other people think that advertising is so common that we no longer pay attention to it. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

In the modern commercial society we live in nowadays,
advertisements
Use synonyms
 are everywhere to be seen and heard.
However
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 insist that advertising should not draw too much attention
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
. From my point of view, these advertising industries are so
persuaded
Replace the word
persuasive
show examples
 that few
people
Use synonyms
 can resist the impulse
of consuming
Change preposition
to consume
show examples
. The functions of
advertisements
Use synonyms
 are indispensable in terms of the sales of
products
Use synonyms
.
Consumers
Use synonyms
 usually acquire information
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
 certain new
products
Use synonyms
 only through the
advertisements
Use synonyms
 cast
into
Change preposition
on
show examples
 TV, the Internet or posters,
then
Linking Words
 generate the ideas of purchasing, which will stimulate the consuming markets and
facillitate
Correct your spelling
facilitate
 the economic prosperity ultimately. Taking
apple
Fix capitalization
Apple
show examples
 phones as an example, not only the unique designs of the
smart phones
Use the right word
smartphones
show examples
 and their price setting Steve Jobs made, but
also
Linking Words
high quality
Use the right word
high-quality
show examples
advertisements
Use synonyms
 showing the fashion and excellent HD cameras contributed to
culturing
Verb problem
cultivating
show examples
new
Correct article usage
a new
show examples
 generation of cellphone
consumers
Use synonyms
, making them feel special. And
then
Linking Words
 the whole industries of cellphone manufacturing, including
semi-conducted
Use the right word
semiconductor
show examples
 chips, batteries and IOS system development, were driven up.
Thus
Linking Words
, the advertising wins so much in influencing
people
Use synonyms
 to buy goods by
propergandizing
Correct your spelling
propagandising
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
 of
products
Use synonyms
.
Notheless
Correct your spelling
Nonetheless
, other
people
Use synonyms
 claim that advertising is too common to be ignored. Since the producers have
incline
Replace the word
an inclination
show examples
 to
exagerrating
Correct your spelling
exaggerate
 the pros of their goods but
missing
Wrong verb form
miss
show examples
 the disadvantages,
consumers
Use synonyms
 can so easily be misled
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 the overwhelming information in
advertisements
Use synonyms
. In consequence, they usually buy the
products
Use synonyms
 they don't really need, which is a waste for our society. I once bought a
so called
Use the right word
so-called
show examples
 "shape-memory pillow" when I watched
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 advertisement interrupted
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a video on
Youtube
Use the right word
YouTube
show examples
. Yet, the pillow was too thick to
fell
Wrong verb form
fall
show examples
 asleep, which was not mentioned in the advertisement.
Linking Words
Finally
Add a comma
Finally,
show examples
 it was no use for
myself
Correct pronoun usage
me
show examples
 except a waste of my money.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is reasonable that we
shall
Verb problem
should
show examples
 not pay attention to the universal
advertisements
Use synonyms
. As far as I am concerned,
advertisements
Use synonyms
 are absolutely the winner in prompting
consuming
Replace the word
consumption
show examples
 by colourful images and
attracting
Replace the word
attractive
show examples
 lines to lure
people
Use synonyms
paying
Wrong verb form
to pay
show examples
. They are so powerful
to
Correct word choice
that to
show examples
be
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 regardless. In conclusion, advertising takes the champion at persuading
consumers
Use synonyms
 to empty their wallets by showing
products
Use synonyms
 benefits, and it is so hard to no longer pay attention to with our own senses to find out the adverse
perspects
Correct your spelling
perspectives
 the
advertisements
Use synonyms
 don't mention.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

planning
Plan your essay first. Put two ideas for each view and one clear own view. Use 4-5 short sentences in each paragraph.
coherence
Use clear links to show order of ideas. Use first, also, but, finally, in conclusion.
development
Give a real example and explain why it shows your point. Check details of the example.
language
Use simple grammar. Check subject-verb check and articles. Keep sentences short.
content
The essay has a clear view about ads and their effect.
examples
Some specific example is used to back a point.
structure
Introduction and conclusion exist.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • persuade
  • promote
  • attract
  • influence
  • impact
  • consumerism
  • commercialism
  • market
  • product
  • brand
  • endorsement
  • manipulative
  • saturated
  • overwhelmed
  • repetitive
  • distracting
  • irrelevant
  • exaggerated
  • misleading
  • desensitized
What to do next:
Look at other essays: