IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

It is responsiblitity of individuals to save and provide for their own retirement. Governments have no obligation to provide this benefit. To what extend do you agree or disagree with these statements ?

It is argued that
people
Use synonyms
 should save
money
Use synonyms
 to prepare for their
retirment
Correct your spelling
retirement
 and the governments are not responsible for
this
Linking Words
 benefit. I strongly disagree
Linking Words
this
Change preposition
with this
show examples
 statement because both the
people
Use synonyms
 and
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 could be beneficial by
provide
Wrong verb form
providing
show examples
 financial help to support the
retirement
Use synonyms
 of their citizens.
Obsviously
Correct your spelling
Obviously
,
residents
Use synonyms
 should have
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 own financial
plan
Use synonyms
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
retirement
Use synonyms
. Because everyone
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 their own
paces
Fix the agreement mistake
pace
show examples
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
retirements
Fix the agreement mistake
retirement
show examples
. To avoid any risk of financial problems after
retirement
Use synonyms
, it should be encouraged to have a bank
saving
Replace the word
savings
show examples
plan
Use synonyms
 as early as possible.
Otherwise
Linking Words
,
elder
Replace the word
elderly
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 could become
bankrupcy
Correct your spelling
bankrupt
 after they stop earning
salaries
Check wording
a salary
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
employees in China start to join a
saving
Fix the agreement mistake
savings
show examples
plan
Use synonyms
 with their bank to save
money
Use synonyms
 for
retirement
Use synonyms
since
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 they
get
Verb problem
are
show examples
 hired.
However
Linking Words
, as the largest employer in most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
countries, the governments should
also
Linking Words
 provide a financial
plan
Use synonyms
 for every
Use synonyms
residents
Fix the agreement mistake
resident
show examples
 in the community. Because
this
Linking Words
 service
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
show examples
 a stable
retirement
Use synonyms
 life to everyone in the country. It would become a
basement
Check wording
basis
show examples
 of social insurance and provide a safe life to all citizens.
For instance
Linking Words
, some
elder
Replace the word
elderly
show examples
 homeless
people
Use synonyms
 could have a better life if they
get
Verb problem
were
show examples
 funded by the social
retirement
Use synonyms
plan
Use synonyms
.
Also
Linking Words
, governments could
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
benefit instantly by
provide
Wrong verb form
providing
show examples
 investment from
personal
Correct article usage
a personal
show examples
 bank account.
Those
Correct determiner usage
That
show examples
money
Use synonyms
 could be used to fund those projects which need
investment
Correct word choice
continuous investment
show examples
continuesly
Rephrase
apply
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
,
Canadian
Correct article usage
the Canadian
show examples
 government
creat
Use the right word
created
show examples
 a
Use synonyms
residents
Check wording
residents'
show examples
retirement
Use synonyms
saving
Replace the word
savings
show examples
plan
Use synonyms
 for all legal workers in Canada. The funding could be used to invest
stocks
Change preposition
in stocks
show examples
 on
globle
Correct word choice
the global
show examples
 market to make more
money
Use synonyms
.
Those
Correct determiner usage
That
show examples
 increased
money
Use synonyms
 can be used for other things
such
Linking Words
 as education scholarships. In
conclude
Replace the word
conclusion
show examples
, I strongly disagree that only
emplyee
Correct your spelling
employees
 would
responsible
Verb problem
be responsible
show examples
 for their
retirement
Use synonyms
. I believe the government have their
respinsibility
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 to help the
residents
Use synonyms
 maintain their financial income when they can not work anymore.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure your ideas are clear and easy to understand by using simple sentences. Some sentences are a bit long and confusing.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use a wider range of linking words to connect your ideas. This will make your essay flow better.
task achievement
Your introduction should clearly state your position on the topic. It should give the reader a better idea of what to expect.
task achievement
Add a bit more detail to your examples to make them stronger and more convincing.
task achievement
You have presented your opinions clearly and provided some relevant examples.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a good structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Personal financial planning
  • Self-sufficiency
  • Moral imperatives
  • Social imperatives
  • Retirement planning
  • Economic implications
  • Government-funded retirement schemes
  • Self-funded retirement
  • Social safety nets
  • Social security
  • Long-term sustainability
  • Fiscal responsibility
  • Public pension systems
  • Individual savings
  • Mandatory retirement contributions
What to do next:
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