IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Young people who commit serous crimes, such as a robbery or a biolent attack should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

It is argued that adolescents have to be punished for their crimes,
such
Linking Words
 as robbery and violent attacks,
also
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 have to be treated as
people
Use synonyms
 of legal age.
This
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 essay totally disagrees with that statement because they are going through an unstable phase in their feelings, and putting them in prison will not fix them in the future. Many
teenagers
Use synonyms
 have fluctuating emotional feelings at
this
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 stage of their lives, and they are
also
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 influenced by a lot of things around them.
For example
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, friends at school, their families and video games. These factors are part of the environment around the young
people
Use synonyms
, which can change their
behaviours
Use synonyms
 for the worse or for the better. Some friends at school learn each other violent
behaviours
Use synonyms
, which can be one of the main reasons why
teenagers
Use synonyms
 adopt these
behaviours
Use synonyms
, not
Punctuation problem
. Not
show examples
 only can friends
affect on
Verb problem
influence
show examples
the
Correct article usage
each
show examples
others
Fix the agreement mistake
other
show examples
 at school
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
also
Linking Words
 the family. A lot of
teenagers
Use synonyms
do
Verb problem
exhibit
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bad behaviour to get attention from their parents. Video games are
also
Linking Words
 one of the most
extremely
Rephrase
apply
show examples
important factors that could affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
behaviours
Use synonyms
, a study shows that
teenagers
Use synonyms
 how are playing video games over than three hours a day are more ability to commit violent crimes. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that we should punish adolescents and treat them as adults.
Instead
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 of treating them as criminals, we can invest in them and put them in rehabilitation facilities where they can improve their
Use synonyms
behaviours
Fix the agreement mistake
behaviour
show examples
 to the best.
In addition
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, governments can invest in these young
people
Use synonyms
 in rehabilitation by teaching them the primary subjects and
train
Wrong verb form
training
show examples
 them to focus on studying. After making
teenagers
Use synonyms
 spend their time in these facilities, they will use the knowledge that they learned to build their country, and they are going to be useful
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the community.
For example
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, the Japanese government invests in
teenagers
Use synonyms
 who have committed many crimes and engages them
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 volunteer work, which helps them to improve their skills and serve their society. In conclusion, we do not have to treat the young
people
Use synonyms
 as criminals and forget about the causes of their
behaviours
Use synonyms
, and
instead
Linking Words
 of putting them in jail, we can invest in them by putting them in rehabilitation facilities and
improve
Wrong verb form
improving
show examples
 their talents to serve their country.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea that connects to your overall argument. It helps the reader understand your essay better.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to use more linking words to connect your ideas. Words like 'firstly', 'in addition', and 'for example' can help with flow.
Task Achievement
Provide clearer examples to support your points. For instance, specify what kind of rehabilitation programs could be useful.
Task Achievement
Make sure your ideas are clearly explained. Each point should be detailed enough to show how it supports your argument.
Task Achievement
You have a clear stance in your essay which is important in IELTS writing.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a logical flow from introduction to conclusion, which makes it easier to follow.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • youth
  • crime
  • punishment
  • robbery
  • violence
  • adult
  • reform
  • chance
  • brain
  • developing
  • harm
  • legal
  • response
  • deterrent
  • consequences
  • understand
  • background
  • approach
  • strong
  • serious
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