IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that the main factors influencing a child's development these days are things such as television, friends and music. Others believe that the family still remains more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In contemporary society, a significant debate has emerged regarding the primary influences on a
child
Use synonyms
's
development
Use synonyms
. Some individuals argue that external factors
such
Linking Words
 as television, friends, and music play a pivotal
role
Use synonyms
 in shaping a
child
Use synonyms
's growth.
Conversely
Linking Words
, others assert that the family unit remains paramount in
this
Linking Words
 regard. I align myself with the latter perspective, as I believe that parental influence is critical in guiding
children
Use synonyms
 through the complexities of life, allowing them to navigate various situations effectively.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, proponents of the view that media and social connections are the main factors influencing
child
Use synonyms
development
Use synonyms
 present several compelling arguments.
Firstly
Linking Words
, they contend that television and music serve as valuable tools for relaxation and entertainment, helping
children
Use synonyms
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
manage stress or anxiety.
For instance
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 often turn to their
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
 shows or songs during challenging times, which can provide them with comfort and distraction.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, friendships are integral to a
child
Use synonyms
's social
development
Use synonyms
; peers can offer support and encouragement that foster resilience and emotional intelligence.
However
Linking Words
, reliance on media and friendships alone can be problematic, especially when
children
Use synonyms
 devote excessive time to consumption rather than engaging in more constructive activities. On the opposing side, there are multiple reasons why the
role
Use synonyms
 of
parents
Use synonyms
 is indispensable in a
child
Use synonyms
's upbringing. Primarily,
parents
Use synonyms
 possess an intimate understanding of their
child
Use synonyms
's personality,
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
, and unique needs. They are ideally positioned to offer personalized guidance
that is
Linking Words
 sensitive to their
child
Use synonyms
's emotional and developmental phases.
For example
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 can share invaluable life lessons through anecdotes from their own childhood, illustrating how they navigated challenges and learned important skills.
Such
Linking Words
 interactions not only strengthen the parent-
child
Use synonyms
 bond but
also
Linking Words
instill
Change the spelling
instil
show examples
 vital moral values and coping mechanisms in younger generations.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 play an active
role
Use synonyms
 in fostering their
child
Use synonyms
's interests and talents, ensuring that their developmental journey is holistic and well-rounded. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 external factors
such
Linking Words
 as television, friends, and music undoubtedly contribute to a
child
Use synonyms
's
development
Use synonyms
, they cannot replace the essential
role
Use synonyms
 of the family.
Parents
Use synonyms
 offer unique insights and support that are integral to a
child
Use synonyms
's growth. In my view, the family unit remains the cornerstone of effective
child
Use synonyms
development
Use synonyms
, as it provides a solid foundation upon which
children
Use synonyms
 can build their futures.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to incorporate more specific examples or studies to further substantiate your points about media's influence and parental guidance.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between ideas to enhance the logical flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a strong introduction that clearly outlines both perspectives on the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main arguments and clearly states your opinion.
task achievement
The essay addresses all parts of the task, offering a balanced discussion of both views.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: