IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

In today's world, some
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
youngsters tend to allocate the golden
time
Use synonyms
 of their daily routine to
use
Wrong verb form
using
show examples
 mobile phones. Despite the implications of
this
Linking Words
 trend. I reckon negative aspects have an edge over the positive ones. By daily promotion of cutting-edge
thecnology
Correct your spelling
technology
, it seems
to be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
that there is a disruption, extended over
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
human's
Check wording
human
show examples
 life. To elaborate, nowadays high-tech
like
Verb problem
is like
show examples
 a
two edged
Use the right word
two-edged
show examples
 sword, plays a pivotal role
inorder
Use the right word
in order
show examples
 to
facilitating
Wrong verb form
facilitate
show examples
 the potential challenges,
although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 it has its own possible problems. To exemplify, a shining example of
this
Linking Words
 is
consule
Correct your spelling
console
 games, whether they are attractive or as a
threaten
Replace the word
threatening
show examples
 agent for
kid's
Check wording
kids'
show examples
life styles
Use the right word
lifestyles
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, with the advancement of technology, some of the youths have to continue
along with
Linking Words
 it
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 it is positive or not. Looking on the dark side, using phones in the
long-run
Use the right word
long run
show examples
 could have several consequences.
Firstly
Linking Words
, after a
large
Correct word choice
long
show examples
 period of
time
Use synonyms
, those who spend a lot of
time
Use synonyms
 with their mobiles may be isolated by secluded situations
such
Linking Words
 as feeling
boredom
Use the right word
bored
show examples
. The second
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 just as
important
Punctuation problem
important,
show examples
 is
they
Correct word choice
that they
show examples
 might
exposed
Verb problem
be exposed
show examples
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the risks of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
heart attacks or the
lose
Replace the word
loss
show examples
 of
the
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 visual sense.
For instance
Linking Words
, the students may suffer from a special mental disease
due to
Linking Words
 the exposure of long-term
usage
Check wording
use
show examples
 of computers or tablets.
Thus
Linking Words
, the
technology based
Use the right word
technology-based
show examples
 amenities could
be created
Verb problem
prevent
show examples
 the harmful incidents during the
time
Use synonyms
.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 people have the right to benefit from high-tech, I am of the opinion that the
negatives
Fix the agreement mistake
negative
show examples
 aspects outweigh their
positives
Fix the agreement mistake
positive
show examples
 as children should keep a balance between technology and their own lifestyle.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Response
Make sure to clearly state your main argument in the introduction and support it throughout the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use clear and simple connections between your ideas, like 'firstly' or 'in addition', to help the reader follow your thoughts.
Task Response
You have a good attempt to discuss both sides of the argument, which shows you understand the topic well.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: