IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without per-mission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

While
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 some folks believe that people's mobile phone
records
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 and
messages
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 should be monitored by governments, others think that
this
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information
Use synonyms
 should not be accessible without their permission. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both viewpoints and explain why
this
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information
Use synonyms
 must be accessible to governments for the sake of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
overall
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 safety. On the one hand, I can comprehend those who maintain a belief that their phone call
records
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 and
messages
Use synonyms
 should not be accessed by anyone, including governments. They feel that their privacy is violated and every detail of their lives is exposed. Not only that but
also
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 they say they are feeling they are being watched around the clock, and that contradicts their civil rights.
On the other hand
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, I agree with those who believe that all
records
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 and
messages
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 of all
the
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apply
show examples
people should be monitored on a regular basis for various reasons. One of the major causes is related to the homeland security. If we need to keep our countries safe from intruders and those who are willing to have corruption,
then
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 we need to make sure that our borders are safe.
Furthermore
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, by monitoring phone call
records
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 and
messages
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, we can prevent any terrorist attacks that can harm our people and the infrastructure of the country.
For instance
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, 9/11th, 2019 would have never happened if we kept an eye on all foreigners who crossed the borders illegally. In conclusion,
while
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 some
persons
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people
show examples
 think that accessing their
information
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 by authorities contradicts their way of freedom, I believe that the advantages of accessing
such
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information
Use synonyms
 outweigh its drawbacks.

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure that all points made are clearly linked back to the central argument of the essay. Providing stronger transitions between ideas will improve clarity.
task achievement
Expand on and clarify your main points to ensure they provide a more comprehensive view of the arguments. This could involve elaborating on the potential consequences of privacy invasion.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear argument in favor of government access to phone records for safety reasons, effectively outlining both sides of the debate.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, providing a structured framework for the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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