IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Women should have an equal role alongside men in both police and armed forces. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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The notion suggests that equality must be served between both genders in our
country
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's protection services. It is important to have both men and women exposed to the chances of getting the same position. It is agreed that girls and boys can fill out the same role as long as they are capable. The same skills and capabilities that can be acquired by both genders,
as well as
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 the importance of
gender
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 representation nowadays will prove
this
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.
Firstly
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, the main thing to look at when filling a certain role in the
forces
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 is how capable is the candidate in doing the job description regardless of their
gender
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.
For example
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, if one must be the representative of an international
forces
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 meeting
then
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 it is crucial to find someone that has a great communication skill. Prioritizing the
gender
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instead
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 of the capability will turn out badly because they cannot execute the job properly.
Therefore
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, the
forces
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 must find someone who is ready to bear the responsibility without looking at their sex.
Secondly
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, the armed
forces
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 need to have a good representative of each sex in order to inspire the younger generation.
For instance
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, the army in the nineties did not have enough women soldiers which made young girls not have the confidence to join the army even though they had the same potential as the boys.
This
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 is important to address as we want to have the best soldiers in terms of capability
instead
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 of
gender
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.
That is
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 why equality must be held in the hope that we can retrieve as many potential individuals as we can to protect the
country
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 . To summarise, men and women must have an equal chance to fill the same role in our
country
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's protection
forces
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 as long as they possess the required skills and can be good representatives for the
country
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.
Therefore
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,
it is clear that
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 the idea must be supported.

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Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, ensure smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs for better coherence.
Task Achievement
You have presented a complete response to the task with clear and comprehensive ideas. To improve, include more specific examples to support your points for a higher score.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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