IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Schools should emphasize academic subjects, which are more important for future jobs, rather than sports and music. Do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, education is gradually increasing the competitive pressure among
students
Use synonyms
. Many people think schools should focus on academic
subjects
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of
sports
Use synonyms
 and
music
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 may waste
Use synonyms
students
Check wording
students'
show examples
 time. I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement in some
contents
Use the right word
contexts
show examples
.
School
Fix the agreement mistake
Schools
show examples
 should pay more attention to
teach
Wrong verb form
teaching
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 academic
subjects
Use synonyms
, so that they can attain
further
Linking Words
 academic achievement. Those
subjects
Use synonyms
 which can provide more knowledge for
students
Use synonyms
’
need
Fix the agreement mistake
needs
show examples
 could allow them to gain
well-paid
Correct article usage
a well-paid
show examples
 job in the future.
For example
Linking Words
, math can help
students
Use synonyms
 improve their logical thinking
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
 writing can enhance
students
Use synonyms
’ critical thinking skills. If they spend a lot of time on
sports
Use synonyms
 and
music
Use synonyms
 may lead to
absent
Replace the word
absence
show examples
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
course
Correct article usage
the course
show examples
.
Although
Linking Words
 the academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 are significant in
Use synonyms
students
Check wording
students'
show examples
 long-term development,
sports
Use synonyms
 and
music
Use synonyms
 are
also
Linking Words
 essential for their healthy growth.
Music
Use synonyms
 classes can motivate
students
Use synonyms
explore
Verb problem
to explore
show examples
 their abilities in playing instruments and
singing
Punctuation problem
singing,
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 can allow student to release their stress under high pressure.
Sports
Use synonyms
 can exercise
students
Use synonyms
’ willpower
while
Linking Words
 running and develop their ability to cooperate in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
teamwork.
For instance
Linking Words
, in a basketball game, team members should communicate with each other and formulate strategies to achieve their goal, which can encourage
student’s
Check wording
students’
show examples
 spirit of cooperation and
also
Linking Words
 promote their leadership. At the same time, it
also
Linking Words
enable
Correct subject-verb agreement
enables
show examples
 them to
have better perform
Correct word order
perform better
show examples
 in
future
Correct pronoun usage
their future
show examples
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
 and
stronger
Correct word order
have stronger
show examples
 competitiveness.
To conclude
Linking Words
, though the schools should focus on teaching
students
Use synonyms
 academic knowledge, they have to pay attention to other
subjects
Use synonyms
 like
sports
Use synonyms
 and
music
Use synonyms
. As the other
subjects
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
as
Verb problem
are as
show examples
 important as academic
Use synonyms
subjects
Punctuation problem
subjects,
show examples
 can
also
Linking Words
 improve
Use synonyms
students
Check wording
students'
show examples
 future development and benefit
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their career life.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction should clearly outline your main argument and the points you will discuss. Make sure to express your opinion directly.
coherence and cohesion
Create clear paragraphs for each point. Begin each paragraph with a topic sentence that relates to your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Use more linking words such as 'however', 'for example', and 'in addition' to connect your ideas logically.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples or details to support your points. This will make your argument stronger.
task achievement
You clearly express an opinion and give reasons for your beliefs, which is important for addressing the task.
task achievement
You provide some relevant examples that support your ideas, like those regarding music and sports.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: