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Writing Samples
Band 5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

It is a common phenomenon in many cultures to
give the belief
Verb problem
instil
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 in
children
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that constantly put the
Correct word order
the belief that constant
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 effort will
guarantees
Wrong verb form
guarantee
show examples
success
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.
While
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this
Linking Words
 encouraging message undoubtedly spread
self-confidenced
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self-confidence
 and motivation to
children
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 for many years, it
also
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 carries signifiant consequence by ignoring objective reality and other crucial factors contributing to
success
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. On the one hand, the primary advantage of
this
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 mindset is its profound positive impact on a child's psychological development. By telling
children
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 that their potential is limitless, parents and educators can significantly boost their self-confidence.
This
Linking Words
 belief
providing
Wrong verb form
provides
show examples
 them with a huge
of
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amount of
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motivations
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motivation
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 required to tackle challenging tasks.
For instance
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, when a student struggles with complex academic subjects,
such
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 as advanced
mathmatics
Correct your spelling
mathematics
, the conviction that hard work yields results will encourage them to
perservere
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persevere
 rather than give up.
On the other hand
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, the major disadvantages of
this
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 quote
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 that it can breed unrealistic expectations by oversimplifying the nature of
success
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. In reality, achievement is rarely the product of effort alone; it is often connected with uncontrollable variables
such
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 as genius talent, socioeconomic background, and sheer luck. If
children
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 are taught that hard work is the only
fator
Use the right word
factor
show examples
 of
success
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, they may develop a distorted view of how the world operates,
failling
Correct your spelling
failing
 to respect objective laws and boundaries.
As a result
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.
when
Fix capitalization
When
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 they face failures despite their utmost efforts, they are likely to experience
servere
Correct your spelling
severe
 frustration and self-doubt. In conclusion,
while
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 the traditional wisdom of linking absolute
success
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 to sheer hard work serves as an excellent tool to inspire self-belief and drive in
children
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, it is not without its
shortage
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shortcomings
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. It is crucial to strike a balance by encouraging
continuely
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continuous
 hard
working
Replace the word
work
 and
eduacting
Correct your spelling
educating
 the realistic.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You explain good and bad points, but some ideas need a little more detail.
task response
Use clearer examples. The math example is good, but the bad side also needs one real and simple example.
coherence and cohesion
Make your main idea easy to follow in each paragraph. Put one clear point first, then explain it.
coherence and cohesion
Check linking words. Some are good, but a few sentences do not connect smoothly.
task response
Be careful with sentence control. A few grammar mistakes make your meaning less clear.
coherence and cohesion
End with a clearer final message. Your conclusion is relevant, but the last sentence is not fully clear.
task response
You answer both parts of the question: advantages and disadvantages.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task response
You use a relevant example about a student and hard study.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is organized in a logical way with one paragraph for each side.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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