IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar.

It is a practical fact that most manufacturers use a huge amount of
sugar
Use synonyms
 to produce food and drink all around the world, which has an unhealthy outcome for users down the road.
While
Linking Words
 some believe raising the price of the product will affect consumption of less
sugar
Use synonyms
, I disagree and think the decision won’t be as satisfying as most hope. On the
one
Use synonyms
 hand, adding
sugar
Use synonyms
 makes foods and drinks taste unbelievably better, which is
one
Use synonyms
 of the reasons why more and more people choose them.
Also
Linking Words
, there are scientific prove that
sugar
Use synonyms
 makes humans happy
due to
Linking Words
 the release of far more endorphin hormones in the body.
That is
Linking Words
 why most individuals eat ice cream in times of crisis,
such
Linking Words
 as a bitter divorce or bad break-up, or even when they are having a whale of a time, namely, birthday or graduation parties, to feel more joy and happiness. So, no matter the cost of
products
Use synonyms
, the public still buys them either in times of celebration or in sad situations.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, not controlling the rise of consumption can have severe consequences,
such
Linking Words
 as diabetes and obesity in society. That’s why the companies try to use healthier ingredients rather than omit
sugar
Use synonyms
 completely.
For instance
Linking Words
, producing
products
Use synonyms
 without any regular
sugar
Use synonyms
 that still taste the same is
one
Use synonyms
 of the solutions in the food industry, and even though the
products
Use synonyms
 are normally more expensive, by appropriate advertising, the sales are highly above average, and a lot of families prefer to buy these new
products
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 method is becoming a highly trending
one
Use synonyms
 nowadays. In conclusion, I have a strong feeling that raising the cost of food and drink would not have an adequate aftereffect on the rate of sales, and
one
Use synonyms
 way for individuals to stay healthier is to encourage the community to purchase replacement
products
Use synonyms
, even with an extra cost.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure each paragraph has clear main ideas and supports those ideas with examples. This will help the reader understand your points better.
coherence
Try to use simpler sentences and clearer connections between ideas so that your argument flows smoothly.
coherence
In your introduction, clearly state your position and the main points you will discuss. A stronger conclusion can also summarize your main points more clearly.
task achievement
The essay addresses the topic and gives a clear opinion.
task achievement
Interesting points about sugar affecting happiness and health were mentioned, which adds depth to the essay.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: