IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Modern people have overweight conditions. Why is this the case? What can be done to solve this problem?

In recent
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
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, obesity has become
increasingly
Correct article usage
an increasingly
show examples
Correct word choice
serious problems
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problems
Fix the agreement mistake
problem
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. There are several causes of
this
Linking Words
 problem. I think we must come up with effective measures to solve
this
Linking Words
 problem. One cause of higher
over weight
Check wording
obesity
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 is that
people
Use synonyms
 have insufficient physical
exercise
Use synonyms
 in
modern
Correct article usage
a modern
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 lifestyle. Today, most
of
Change preposition
apply
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people
Use synonyms
 are living in
busy
Correct article usage
a busy
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 condition which makes their routine become unpredictable and
leave
Correct subject-verb agreement
leaves
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 little amount of time for each task
including
Punctuation problem
, including
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 workout. Even sometimes they
may
Verb problem
apply
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have time available for
exercise
Use synonyms
, they already feel tired after work for the whole day.
As a result
Linking Words
, their calories are increasingly collected in their body, so
number
Correct article usage
the number
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 of
people
Use synonyms
 who have obesity
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
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 become more and more. Another cause is
consumption
Correct article usage
the consumption
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 of processed
foods
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which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 in general contain
high calories
Use the right word
high-calorie
show examples
Use synonyms
ingredient
Fix the agreement mistake
ingredients
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. The
high calorie
Use the right word
high-calorie
show examples
 ingredients
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as sugar and trans
fat
Punctuation problem
fat,
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 could add better flavour
of
Change preposition
to
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foods
Use synonyms
 and better high
temperature
Use the right word
high-temperature
show examples
 tolerant. These are the reasons why several
Use synonyms
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
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 merchants often mix those
Use synonyms
ingredient
Fix the agreement mistake
ingredients
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 into
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 food products.
Therefore
Linking Words
, consumers often take
regulary
Correct your spelling
regular
 unhealthy
Use synonyms
ingredient
Fix the agreement mistake
ingredients
show examples
 and result in their fat mass. To solve
this
Linking Words
 problem, the
government
Use synonyms
 must take initiative.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
public
Correct article usage
the public
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 sector should introduce new and good quality of fitness
centers
Use the right word
centres
show examples
 and equipment.
As nowadays
Change preposition
Nowadays
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, it is hard for
people
Use synonyms
 to
reach to
Verb problem
access
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exercise
Use synonyms
 clubs or
unsafety
Use the right word
unsafe
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 machines.
Hence
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 tend to cancel their workout habit to save time or avoid
accident
Fix the agreement mistake
accidents
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 from
gym's
Correct article usage
the gym's
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 tools. If
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 provide
new
Correct article usage
a new
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sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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center
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centre
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together with
Linking Words
high standard
Use the right word
high-standard
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 equipment,
this
Linking Words
 could encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to do more
exercise
Use synonyms
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
safety
Replace the word
safely
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.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the goal
to
Change preposition
of
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 reducing
weight
Correct article usage
the weight
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 of its population would be accomplished and
people
Use synonyms
 will become
strengthen
Replace the word
stronger
show examples
 and healthier.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
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government
Correct article usage
the government
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 should
legalize
Use the right word
legalise
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 malnutrition law by
force
Replace the word
forcing
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 food producers to limit unhealthy
Use synonyms
ingredient
Fix the agreement mistake
ingredients
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 in their goods. When the producers must be punished by
implementation
Correct article usage
the implementation
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 law of
Correct article usage
the govenment
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govenment
Correct your spelling
government
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as paying more taxes,
forbidden
Verb problem
being forbidden
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 to sell
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
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 or
closed
Verb problem
being closed
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 down,
so
Rephrase
apply
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they will avoid using those malnutrition in the products.
For
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 reason,
people
Use synonyms
 could consume better quality
foods
Use synonyms
 and
results
Replace the word
resulting
show examples
 in ease of weight control. In conclusion, the causes of obesity are because of insufficient
workout
Check wording
exercise
show examples
 and
high calories
Use the right word
high-calorie
show examples
ingredient
Use synonyms
 consumption. The effective solutions are to provide new and decent gym
as well as
Linking Words
 the tools
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
also
Linking Words
legalize
Use the right word
legalise
show examples
 the law regards to mulnutrition ingredents control. If the
government
Use synonyms
 take initiative to implement those policies, the overweight condition of
people
Use synonyms
 in modern life would be reduced.

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task response
Make sure your introduction clearly states your main points and shows what the essay will cover.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use clearer links between your ideas, so it's easier for the reader to follow your thoughts.
task response
Use more specific examples to support your points, as this will help make your arguments stronger.
task response
Your essay covers the topic well and identifies key causes and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear conclusion that summarises your main points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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