IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do yo think this is a positive or a negative development

A number of
children
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 spend some of their
time
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 every day using their mobile phones. Not taking advantage of their free
time
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 is the main reason for
this
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. In my personal opinion, I believe it is a negative improvement because
children
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 should focus on improving their life skills and doing a
hobby
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instead
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 of being busy using their
smartphones
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. The major reason for
children
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 using their
smartphones
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 for hours is that they do not take advantage of their free
time
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. When
children
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 do not find anything to do, they directly go to their phones and waste their
time
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.
However
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, I think that
children
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 should be guided by their parents and their teachers to make them gain benefits by doing useful things in their free
time
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. A recent study shows that Most
children
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 resort to using their
smartphones
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 when they are not busy.
This
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 is because of the lack of advice. Using Mobile phones by
children
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 for hours is a negative thing because
children
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 have the ability to improve their skills fast during
this
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 period, so they should aim to develop themselves and find a
hobby
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 to do in their free
time
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.
For instance
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, they should improve their communication with other people and learn how to be active.
Furthermore
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, they should have a
hobby
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,
such
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 as drawing. In conclusion,
children
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 should not use their
smartphones
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 for hours, which is a bad habit in my opinion.
Instead
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 of
this
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, they should do useful things
such
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 as improving their skills and finding a
hobby
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to do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
.

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content
State your view in the first part and keep it through the essay so the reader knows your answer.
content
Add more main ideas and talk about them with simple examples or facts.
structure
Use a clearer order: idea, reason, example, then end with a short conclusion.
grammar
Fix small grammar errors (like ‘Most’ after a comma, and how sentences are built).
cohesion
Link ideas with clear words to show how they go together.
strength
The writer shows a clear view that heavy phone use is not good.
strength
There is a plan to guide kids to do other things in free time.
strength
You give a real example of hobbies like drawing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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