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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The graph below gives information about the percentage of the population in four Asian countries living in cities from 1970 to 2020, with predicitions for 2030 and 2040.

The graph below gives information about the percentage of the population in four Asian countries living in cities from 1970 to 2020, with predicitions for 2030 and 2040.
The supplied line graph depicts the share of people living in cities in the Philippines,
Malaysia
Use synonyms
,
Thailand
Use synonyms
 and Indonesia from 1970 to 2020, with projections for 2030 and 2040.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, at first glance, it is quite evident that
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 consistently leads, rising from about 30
Use synonyms
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
 in 1970 to 60
Use synonyms
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
 in 2000.
However
Linking Words
, the Philippines, after touching almost 50
Use synonyms
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
 in 1990,
slides
Correct subject-verb agreement
slid
show examples
 to the low-40s by 2020.
Moreover
Linking Words
, Indonesia
remains
Wrong verb form
remained
show examples
 the least urbanised until 2000;
thereafter
Linking Words
its
Punctuation problem
, its
show examples
 share leaps, overtaking
Thailand
Use synonyms
 in 2020.
Thereafter
Linking Words
,
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 and Indonesia are expected to top 80 and 60
Use synonyms
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
respectively
Punctuation problem
, respectively
show examples
. Moving ahead, Indonesia’s figure swiftly climbs after 2000, gaining close to forty points by 2040.
Although
Linking Words
 the rate for
Thailand
Use synonyms
 edges up—from roughly 10
Use synonyms
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
 in 1970 to just over 35
Use synonyms
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
 in 2040—the Philippines registers a modest fall.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
Malaysia
Use synonyms
stays
Wrong verb form
has stayed
show examples
 broadly constant above 80
Use synonyms
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
 in the final decade.
Hence
Linking Words
, it is analysed that across the whole
span
Add a comma
span,
show examples
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 posts the maximum urban share,
whereas
Linking Words
Thailand
Use synonyms
 records the minimum.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "thereafter".
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words malaysia, thailand, percent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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