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Writing Samples
Band 4

Children today are overweight and unhealthy. This is a huge problem with consequences for the future. Why do you think so many children are overweight? What can be done to solve this problem?

Nowadays, eating
habits
Use synonyms
 are becoming different in society. Most
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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children
Use synonyms
 are
overwight
Correct your spelling
overweight
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 will cause them many problems in the future.
Children
Use synonyms
 do not realise
Linking Words
this
Correct word choice
that this
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 lifestyle may lead to obesity and cost them health problems.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine why I think so many
children
Use synonyms
 are overweight and what can be done to solve
this
Linking Words
 problem. First of all,
children
Use synonyms
 are being exposed to many things that
causes
Correct subject-verb agreement
cause
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 them to be obese.
Such
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 as,
fast
Change preposition
in fast
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food
Use synonyms
 restaurants
most
Punctuation problem
, most
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of
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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children
Use synonyms
are preferring
Wrong verb form
prefer
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 to eat from outside rather than their home
food
Use synonyms
. Because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 they feel joy from eating
outside
Punctuation problem
outside,
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 it gives them the pleasure from the atmosphere.
Also
Linking Words
, they can join their friends for a
meal
Punctuation problem
meal,
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 where they can gather together.
However
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, Social
median
Use the right word
media
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 has the biggest impact on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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children
Use synonyms
’s
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 from my point of view.
Sice
Use the right word
Since
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,
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apply
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 they have
an
Correct article usage
apply
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access to
the
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apply
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social media without any
restrictions
Punctuation problem
restrictions,
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 they are
coping
Use the right word
copying
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 most of the influencers without
any
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
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thinking
of
Change preposition
about
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 the consequences
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
Linking Words
. These days,
specially
Use the right word
especially
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 people on TikTok and Instagram , are doing
food
Use synonyms
 challenges to grab other people’s attention
in
Linking Words
particular
Replace the word
particularly
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 the younger generation. Most of them are watching mobile phones to find similar dares to do it between their friends, they
are thinking
Wrong verb form
think
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this
Linking Words
 type is fun for them
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 they don’t understand
it
Correct word choice
that it
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 will cost them their health in the long run.
Third,
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the majority of young people who
always
Verb problem
are always
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 on their phones or
video
Verb problem
playing video
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 games are the most
overweighted
Replace the word
overweight
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children
Use synonyms
. Since
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 their bad
habits
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 and
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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unhealthy
snacks
Fix the agreement mistake
snack
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 meals
makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
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 them obese.
However
Linking Words
, to reduce
this
Linking Words
 bad habit and the unhealthy way of eating, parents should be responsible
to observe
Change preposition
for observing
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 their
children
Use synonyms
’s way of their bad eating
habits
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.
First,
Linking Words
encourage the younger generation to be healthy by doing some public activities
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
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 marathons, healthy eating seminars and
a
Correct article usage
apply
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school lectures
how
Change preposition
on how
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food
Use synonyms
 can
effect
Use the right word
affect
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 them
on
Change preposition
in
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 the long term.
Second,
Linking Words
parents should reduce and restrict their
children
Use synonyms
 from eating fast
good
Use the right word
food
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 and junk
food
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 and replace their
food
Use synonyms
 a healthy
home made
Use the right word
homemade
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food
Use synonyms
. In Conclusion,people can reduce the
amount
Check wording
number
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 of
children
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 with overweight
by
Check wording
children by
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 spreading awareness among the younger generation. About the
advantage
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
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 and disadvantages of eating
habits
Use synonyms
,
Correct pronoun usage
we will
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will
Verb problem
can
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 build a better and healthier community for the future.

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language
Your ideas are good, but the writing is not clear. Work on correct grammar and link ideas better.
structure
Make a clear plan: intro, 2 body parts, and a short end. State main reasons and give a simple fix for each.
content
Give more examples to show your point and prove it.
content
There is a clear topic and a view about why kids are overweight.
idea
Some good ideas about fast food and social media.
structure
You use some linking words to guide the reader.
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