IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows how elderly people in the United States spent their free time between 1980 and 2010.

The graph below shows how elderly people in the United States spent their free time between 1980 and 2010.
The chart illustrates how adult people in the US
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 spent their leisure time from 1980 to the present.
Overall
Linking Words
, the number of
hiking was
Verb problem
hikers
show examples
 skyrocketed with a sharp figure,
while
Linking Words
 the proportion of theatre decreased marginally.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the percentage of
usage internet
Correct word order
internet usage
show examples
 rose considerably. It can be seen from the graph that the average rate of walking increased dramatically from 20 % in
1980s
Correct article usage
the 1980s
show examples
 to 80 % in
2010s
Correct article usage
the 2010s
show examples
.
Likewise
Linking Words
, free time activity of the senior citizens in the US by
usage
Replace the word
using
show examples
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
, from the beginning of the period at 5 %, went up slightly by 15 % in
2000s
Correct article usage
the 2000s
show examples
 until rocketing significantly by 50 % in a decade. From the start of the year, the proportion of watching TV was 60 % more than other leisure time activities of the elderly in the US, and it
reached gradually
Correct word order
gradually reached
show examples
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
70 % in
2000s
Correct article usage
the 2000s
show examples
 before falling slowly by 65 % at the
finish
Check wording
end
show examples
 of the period. In
1980s
Correct article usage
the 1980s
show examples
, the number of
theatre
Fix the agreement mistake
theatres
show examples
 was moved downward with the sharp trend from 50 % to 30 % in
1990s
Correct article usage
the 1990s
show examples
,
then
Linking Words
 it rose steadily by 45 %
Linking Words
at
Change preposition
by
show examples
 the end of the year.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the average of the reading
was
Verb problem
apply
show examples
fluctuated slightly from 30 % in
1980s
Correct article usage
the 1980s
show examples
 to 60 % in
2010s
Correct article usage
the 2010s
show examples
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "moreover".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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