IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that the while family (grandparents, uncles and aunt) bringing up children is better than only parents. What is your opinion?

Some individuals believe that, upbringing of children should be done in a joint family,
along with
Linking Words
 the grandparents,
uncle
Fix the agreement mistake
uncles
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 and
aunt
Fix the agreement mistake
aunts
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,
while
Linking Words
 others say, kids should be raised only by the
parents
Use synonyms
. I strongly agree
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that a family having all the people around is better
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 than only the mother and father, and I will discuss my opinion in
this
Linking Words
 essay. First and foremost, children
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 are brought up in the presence of their grandparents
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 are more respectful towards elders. They are more empathetic towards old age people, and always try to help them.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
such
Linking Words
 children understand the value of relations very well and are always striving to lift up other members of
family
Correct article usage
the family
show examples
as well as
Linking Words
 society. They are more active and believe in "Sharing is Caring".
For example
Linking Words
, a famous social activist in India, Aruna Roy,who
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 works for the upliftment of old citizens of the country,
told
Verb problem
said
show examples
 that she herself was adopted by her grandparents after the death of her
parents
Use synonyms
, and
hence
Linking Words
 has a
soft-spot
Use the right word
soft spot
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 for
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
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 generation of the nation.
However
Linking Words
, in some families where there is a clash of opinion among different members, it is better to raise the child alone.
This
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 is because if
parents
Use synonyms
 are disrespected by someone in front of the child, it is a bad influence on
kid's
Check wording
the child's
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 psychology.
Such
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toxic
Correct article usage
a toxic
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 environment is harmful for mental health of a person, and
therefore
Linking Words
, it is better to move out of
such
Linking Words
atmosphere
Correct article usage
an atmosphere
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. Conclusively, it is a good thing to raise a baby in the presence of everyone, as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 it will
instill
Use the right word
instil
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 mutual respect and
habit
Correct article usage
a habit
show examples
 of sharing in them, but
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 should make sure that the ambience of the house is good enough for a child to live
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and grow up in.

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task response
In each paragraph, state one main idea. Start with a short topic line, then give a small example or fact to back it up. End with a short restate of your view.
coherence
Make the flow smooth. Use clear links like and, but, so, also to join ideas. Keep each sentence short and easy to read.
task response
Clear view shown in the opening and closing.
coherence
You talk about elders' role and sharing, which is good for the task.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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