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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of the population in th UK who consumed the recommended daily amout of fruit and vegetables in 2002, 2006 and 2010

The bar chart below shows the percentage of the population in th UK who consumed the recommended daily amout of fruit and vegetables in 2002, 2006 and 2010
The bar chart
illustrate
Correct subject-verb agreement
illustrates
show examples
 the proportion of
Correct article usage
the popullation
show examples
popullation
Correct your spelling
population
 in the UK who
ate
Verb problem
consumed
show examples
 the
consuption
Correct your spelling
recommended
 daily amount of fruit and vegetables in three different years, 2002, 2006 and 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, women consistently consumed more fruit and vegetables than both
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
show examples
 and
Use synonyms
children
Punctuation problem
children,
show examples
Linking Words
also
Rephrase
as well as during
show examples
the period.
While
Linking Words
 there was a general increase in the
presentage
Correct your spelling
percentage
 of people meeting
amount
Check wording
apply
show examples
from 2002 to
2006
Punctuation problem
2006,
show examples
this
Linking Words
fiure
Correct your spelling
figure
 slightly declined again by 20010. In 2002, around a quarter of
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 25% consumed the recommended amount, compared with 22% of
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
show examples
 and only 11% of
children
Use synonyms
. Until 2006,
consuption
Correct your spelling
consumption
 had increased in
al
Use the right word
all
show examples
 three
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
, with
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 reaching a peak of 32%,
while
Linking Words
 men
at
Verb problem
were at
show examples
 26% and
children
Use synonyms
 at 18%.
This
Linking Words
 presented the highest proportion of the whole
perod
Correct your spelling
period
 of each group.
Hovever
Correct your spelling
However
, in 2010
this
Linking Words
 figure
droped
Correct your spelling
dropped
 slightly .
Woman
Fix the agreement mistake
Women
show examples
 fell to 26 %, men to 24%, and
children
Use synonyms
 to 16%. Despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the number decreased, they
stil
Correct your spelling
still
 remained higher than in 2002

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words children with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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