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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the changes in ownership of electrical appliances and amount of time spent doing housework in households in one country between 1920 and 2019.

The charts below show the changes in ownership of electrical appliances and amount of time spent doing housework in households in one country between 1920 and 2019.
The shown line graphs describe the development in ownership of washing
Use synonyms
machine
Fix the agreement mistake
machines
show examples
,
Use synonyms
refrigerator
Fix the agreement mistake
refrigerators
show examples
, and
vacuum
Use synonyms
cleaner
Fix the agreement mistake
cleaners
show examples
 and
percentage
Correct article usage
the percentage
show examples
 of time spent washing clothes, preparing meals, and cleaning in households in a country over the period
81
Change preposition
of 81
show examples
 years from 1920 to 2019. As is shown by the charts,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 can
see
Wrong verb form
be seen
show examples
 in the first graph
both
Punctuation problem
, both
show examples
 the
refrigerator
Use synonyms
 and the
vacuum
Use synonyms
 cleaner of the electrical appliances
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 the highest,
while
Linking Words
 the opposite was true in the washing
machine
Use synonyms
 recorded the lowest rate.
Overall
Linking Words
, most of the data
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 electrical appliances
witness
Verb problem
shows
show examples
 an upward trend,
whereas
Linking Words
 the proportion of hours of housework
was seeing
Verb problem
shows
show examples
 a downward trend. Look at
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Linking Words
firstly
Fix capitalization
Firstly
show examples
, the washing
machine
Use synonyms
, the
vacuum
Use synonyms
 cleaner, and the
refrigerator
Use synonyms
 stood at 40 %, 30 %, and over 1 percent respectively in 1920.
Then
Linking Words
 the washing
machine
Use synonyms
 went up gradually between the year began and 1960, after that it decreased slightly
at
Change preposition
by
show examples
 over 60%
then
Linking Words
 grew up to approximately 70%,
while
Linking Words
 the figure for the
refrigerator
Use synonyms
 and the
vacuum
Use synonyms
 cleaner still continued
increased
Verb problem
to increase
show examples
 steadily and reached a
peek
Use the right word
peak
show examples
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 100 per cent. As the second chart shows, it started
1920
Change preposition
in 1920
show examples
 and reached
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the number 50
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
a
Verb problem
is a
show examples
bit high number, but
then
Linking Words
 it fell quickly by 40% between 1920 and 2019.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words machine, refrigerator, vacuum with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "graphs" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ownership
  • electrical appliances
  • housework
  • time frame
  • variables
  • trends
  • significant milestones
  • turning points
  • correlation
  • reduction
  • influenced
  • societal implications
  • quality of life
  • gender roles
  • economic implications
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