IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries, childhood obesity is a growing problem. What are the reasons for this and what can individuals and governments do to tackle the problem? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

It is
noticeable
Correct article usage
a noticeable
show examples
 trend that
obesity
Use synonyms
 increases among
children
Use synonyms
 in many countries. The main reasons for
this
Linking Words
 problem are the same as in the case of adults
:
Punctuation problem
:
show examples
 harmful
food
Use synonyms
 behaviour and lack of physical activity. But the possible solutions are different because of the fact that
children
Use synonyms
 depend on their
parents
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss in detail how young people became fat and how
parents
Use synonyms
 and the government can improve the situation. Beginning with the reasons, as it was mentioned, there is
not
Rephrase
no
show examples
 difference between adult and young people. Consumption of high-calorie
food
Use synonyms
 and a decrease in activity certainly lead to
obesity
Use synonyms
.
Children
Use synonyms
 usually prefer sweets
instead
Linking Words
 of healthy
food
Use synonyms
 without worrying about the consequences.
In addition
Linking Words
, the new generation spends more time on the internet, so
as a result
Linking Words
, their physical fitness gets worse without regular outdoor activity. Discussing possible solutions to childhood
obesity
Use synonyms
, there is one big difference compared to adults. Dependence on
parents
Use synonyms
 is key.
Parents
Use synonyms
 can control a diet of their child avoiding harmful foods
such
Linking Words
 as cookies, fast
food
Use synonyms
 and so on.
While
Linking Words
 adults can take control of
food
Use synonyms
, the government should increase access to sports sections for
children
Use synonyms
. A great example of collaboration against childhood
obesity
Use synonyms
 can be Chechnya, where every school suggest free sport for students and
additionally
Linking Words
 builds a strong community of
parents
Use synonyms
, resulting in the level of
obesity
Use synonyms
 in
this
Linking Words
 region remaining significantly low.
This
Linking Words
 essay explored what causes
obesity
Use synonyms
 among
children
Use synonyms
 and suggested how both
parents
Use synonyms
 and the local government can resolve
this
Linking Words
 problem.
Although
Linking Words
 school-age people are more sensitive to
obesity
Use synonyms
 because of their natural love of bad
food
Use synonyms
 and reduced time outdoors, it is easier to influence them
controlling
Change preposition
by controlling
show examples
 their diet and forcing them to play sports.

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task
Add more facts to show why kids get fat and how the ideas can help.
coherence
Use more joining words to link parts, like first, next, also, and but.
structure
Make the steps clear. Say one thing for the family and one for schools or the town.
content
Use one clear example and explain what it shows, and check it is right.
language
Check small word and form errors to help flow.
strength
Clear idea that both family and government can act.
structure
Intro and end exist and keep focus on the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • childhood obesity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • balanced diet
  • fast food
  • sugary snacks
  • physical activity
  • nutrition education
  • health campaigns
  • public health initiatives
  • government regulations
  • home-cooked meals
  • extracurricular sports
  • digital entertainment
  • sedentary behavior
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