IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some cultures, children are often told they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advanatages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

Many cultures
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 have differences in letting
children
Use synonyms
 achieve many things in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Parents
Use synonyms
 and society
trying
Verb problem
are trying
show examples
 to encourage their
children
Use synonyms
 to set goals for the
future
Use synonyms
. In some
cultures
Add a comma
cultures,
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 are often told they can achieve anything if they try hard enough.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine what are the advantages and disadvantages of giving
children
Use synonyms
this
Linking Words
massage
Use the right word
message
show examples
. Many people
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 are helping their
children
Use synonyms
 by inspiring them to work and study hard to achieve anything they are aiming for.
First,
Linking Words
telling their
children
Use synonyms
 to be brave is one of the most important features they have to gain. Braveness
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 will give them the opportunity to face anything in the
future
Use synonyms
 to reach their goals.
Second,
Linking Words
Knowledge is the second key for creating a path to the
future
Use synonyms
. It helps
children
Use synonyms
 to collect a great deal of
information as much
Correct word order
as much information
show examples
 as they
can
Punctuation problem
can,
show examples
 so they work hard.
Third,
Linking Words
self-confidence is the highest level for achieving goals.
Parents
Use synonyms
, teach their kids how to be confident so they can believe in themselves that they can reach
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their goal even if it
was
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 hard.
However
Linking Words
, these features can
also
Linking Words
 have a bad effect on the
children
Use synonyms
. Giving them
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
 kind of idea may lead the
children
Use synonyms
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
 low
self esteem
Use the right word
self-esteem
show examples
.
First,
Linking Words
people who push their
children
Use synonyms
 into
this
Linking Words
 kind of
thoughts
Fix the agreement mistake
thought
show examples
 make them underestimate
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
themslevs
Correct your spelling
themselves
.
Children
Use synonyms
 may think they are not giving enough to please their
parents
Use synonyms
.
Second,
Linking Words
children
Use synonyms
cannot
Verb problem
do not
show examples
 have enough playing time. They are told by their
parents
Use synonyms
if
Correct word choice
that if
show examples
 they play or have a good time
it
Punctuation problem
, it
show examples
 will affect their
future
Use synonyms
.
Third,
Linking Words
Kids can have a bad temper. Since
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 they are not expressing their feelings only focusing on how to work hard and study to please
the
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, giving
children
Use synonyms
this
Linking Words
 message can be advantageous.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 it can
also
Linking Words
 have the opposite effect. Since both are possible, parent must think about the concept of pushing their
children
Use synonyms
 and the
future
Use synonyms
 effect it will have.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Make a clear plan first. Start with a short intro that states the topic and your view. Then 2-3 body paragraphs with clear ideas. End with a short conclusion.
language use
Check grammar and word choice. Use simple, correct phrases. Fix misspellings and awkward phrases.
content
Give more specific examples or details to back up points. Connect ideas with linking words so the argument flows better.
task response
Balance points equally. The intro should set up the advantages and disadvantages, and the conclusion should give a clear final view.
content
The essay tries to cover both sides, showing awareness of the task.
structure
There are clear signaling words (First, Second, However, In conclusion).
content
Some good ideas about bravery, knowledge, and self-confidence as outcomes.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: