IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Ownership of mobile phones has risen dramatically in recent years despite the potentially harmful effects they may have on our health and on society. Government should introduce measures to restrict ownership to those who need them for their work. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

There is no denying the fact that in recent years, the ownership of cell
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 has risen dramatically despite the potential harmful effects it may
has
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 on our health and society.
While
Linking Words
 it is a commonly held belief that governments should implement restrictive measures on its usage, there is
also
Linking Words
 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I firmly believe that a
balance
Replace the word
balanced
show examples
approch
Correct your spelling
approach
 should be considered.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the amount of benefits we gained from electric devices
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
consierable
Correct your spelling
considerable
 and undeniable. Communication is one of the major pros, as it
Verb problem
has revolutionized
show examples
revolutionized
Use the right word
revolutionised
show examples
 the way
people
Use synonyms
 communicate worldwide.
In other words
Linking Words
, mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 allowed
its
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 users to communicate at any time from anywhere.
In addition
Linking Words
, it is argued that the mobile
Use synonyms
phones
Fix the agreement mistake
phone
show examples
 industry has and continues to contribute positively to various economies by creating a large number of job opportunities.
For example
Linking Words
, logistics, software development, remote work, AI, and many other
.
Check wording
areas.
show examples
Conversely
Linking Words
, using these devices has numerous drawbacks
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
 isolating
people
Use synonyms
. In simple words, friends would spend hours chatting with each other, as opposed to seeing each other or hanging out.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there are many concerns about racism.
For instance
Linking Words
, research studies have shown that there is a rise in bullying and many
people
Use synonyms
 are negatively influenced, especially among young teens. In conclusion, despite
people
Use synonyms
 having different views, I believe that it would be
undiserable
Correct your spelling
undesirable
 to impose worldwide restrictions on
phones
Use synonyms
, as it may create
global
Correct article usage
a global
show examples
 economic crisis.
Instead
Linking Words
, I would encourage introducing proper learning and awareness on how to use
phones
Use synonyms
 appropriately, whether
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 schools or
workplaces
Punctuation problem
workplaces,
show examples
 to enable
educated
Correct article usage
an educated
show examples
 generation.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

clarity
Be sure to give a clear view in the first paragraph and stay steady in your view across the whole essay.
cohesion
Link ideas more with words like 'also', 'however', 'for example' to help flow.
grammar
Fix small grammar and word use before you finish; spell check common words and be careful with 'are', 'is', 'have'.
content
Give more full examples for each point so the reader can see how your idea works.
style
Keep sentences short and simple. This helps you keep mistakes down and stay easy to read.
structure
Good use of structure with clear intro, body, and conclusion.
content
You discuss both good and bad sides of the topic.
content
Your take is clear: no strict ban, more learning and awareness.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: