IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

In today’s
globalized
Use the right word
globalised
show examples
 world, some argue that the number of younger adults
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 increasing in comparison with the older population. From my personal perspective,
although
Linking Words
 there are some drawbacks, the advantages of
this
Linking Words
 approach outweigh the disadvantages. As the
more
Correct word choice
larger
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 number
of
Change preposition
apply
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workforce a community has, the more progress the young people
a
Change preposition
in a
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 will experience. One of the main benefits is having a strong workforce in the
society
Use synonyms
 (the presence of a strong work force in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
)
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
. The
society
Use synonyms
 can foster
more
Correct article usage
a more
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 efficient
specialized
Use the right word
specialised
show examples
 workforce, the effective result of which is progress in various fields,
such
Linking Words
 as
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
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,
societal
Replace the word
society
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, and
cultural
Replace the word
culture
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they can offer innovative and creative ideas, which gives a unique opportunity for them to
be
Verb problem
make
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 faster progress
of
Change preposition
in
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 science. As an example, Canada
suffers
Wrong verb form
has suffered
show examples
 a lack of adequate healthcare professionals in recent years,
has
Correct word choice
and has
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 taken action to attract more medical
team
Fix the agreement mistake
teams
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in
Change preposition
from
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 throughout the world.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the younger generation not only can create a
motivate
Replace the word
motivating
show examples
 and energetic atmosphere, but
also
Linking Words
 contribute to shaping a more progressive
society
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, some challenges may arise.
the
Fix capitalization
The
show examples
 older population possess precious experience, building a solid foundation for future academic and professional success for the younger generation. Their knowledge acts as a valuable treasure to guide
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 generations.
For instance
Linking Words
, during scientific studies, scientists have strived to
utilize
Use the right word
utilise
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others
Check wording
others'
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result
Correct subject-verb agreement
results
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 in order to prevent repetition and waste
the
Correct article usage
apply
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time, which
pave
Correct subject-verb agreement
paves
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 the way for
breakthrough
Fix the agreement mistake
breakthroughs
show examples
.
Consequently
Linking Words
, proficiency in different fields
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 requires the usage of the elderly people’s life experience to create
Correct article usage
an update
show examples
update
Replace the word
updated
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 community.
to sum up
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 the older people
plays
Correct subject-verb agreement
play
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 a significant role in communities, the younger people’s activities
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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deniable
Correct word choice
debatable
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. I firmly believe that the positive side of
this
Linking Words
 relativity is more than
drawbacks
Correct article usage
the drawbacks
show examples
, as they can affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
economic growth, innovation, and social dynamism.

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structure
Plan your view. State your main idea at once. Then give three clear points with one example each. End with a short wrap up.
content
Make each point clear. Use one idea per paragraph and add a simple example.
linking
Use easy link words to show how ideas fit. For example: first, also, but, for example, in addition.
language
Check grammar. Watch noun and verb form and make a good pace in each sentence.
content
You try to look at both sides and give an example.
balance
You use a Canadian example to show a real life reason.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
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