IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

In today’s
globalized
Use the right word
globalised
show examples
 world, some argue that the number of younger adults
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 increasing in comparison with the older population. From my personal perspective,
although
Linking Words
 there are some drawbacks, the advantages of
this
Linking Words
 approach outweigh the disadvantages. As the
more
Correct word choice
larger
show examples
 number
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
workforce a community has, the more progress the young people
a
Change preposition
in a
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 will experience. One of the main benefits is having a strong workforce in the
society
Use synonyms
 (the presence of a strong
work force
Use the right word
workforce
show examples
 in a
society
Use synonyms
). The
society
Use synonyms
 can foster
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
 efficient
specialized
Use the right word
specialised
show examples
 workforce, the effective result of which is progress in various fields,
such
Linking Words
 as
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
,
societal
Replace the word
society
show examples
, and
cultural
Replace the word
culture
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they can offer innovative and creative ideas, which gives a unique opportunity for them to
be
Verb problem
make
show examples
 faster progress
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 science. As an example, Canada
suffers
Wrong verb form
has suffered
show examples
 a lack of adequate healthcare professionals in recent years,
has
Correct word choice
and has
show examples
 taken action to attract more medical
team
Fix the agreement mistake
teams
show examples
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 throughout the world.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the younger generation not only can create a
motivate
Replace the word
motivating
show examples
 and energetic atmosphere, but
also
Linking Words
 contribute to shaping a more progressive
society
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, some challenges may arise.
the
Fix capitalization
The
show examples
 older population possess precious experience, building a solid foundation for future academic and professional success for the younger generation. Their knowledge acts as a valuable treasure to guide
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 generations.
For instance
Linking Words
, during scientific studies, scientists have strived to
utilize
Use the right word
utilise
show examples
others
Check wording
others'
show examples
result
Correct subject-verb agreement
results
show examples
 in order to prevent repetition and waste
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
time, which
pave
Correct subject-verb agreement
paves
show examples
 the way for
breakthrough
Fix the agreement mistake
breakthroughs
show examples
.
Consequently
Linking Words
, proficiency in different fields
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 requires the usage of the elderly people’s life experience to create
Correct article usage
an update
show examples
update
Replace the word
updated
show examples
 community.
to sum up
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 the older people
plays
Correct subject-verb agreement
play
show examples
 a significant role in communities, the younger people’s activities
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
deniable
Correct word choice
debatable
show examples
. I firmly believe that the positive side of
this
Linking Words
 relativity is more than
drawbacks
Correct article usage
the drawbacks
show examples
, as they can affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
economic growth, innovation, and social dynamism.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

planning
Plan your answer first. Make a short plan with 2 or 3 big ideas. Then write how those ideas link to your view.
thesis
Start with a clear statement of your view in the intro and end with a clear sum up in the conclusion.
paragraphs
Make each paragraph have one main idea and a short example that is easy to link to your point.
coherence
Use simple linking words to show how ideas fit together (first, also, but, however, for example).
grammar
Check grammar and spelling. Break long sentences into two and use correct word form.
content
Keep facts close to the point and explain how they help your view.
clarity
You show your own view clearly.
support
You give a real example (Canada) to back your point.
balance
You try to show both sides and to balance the view.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
Look at other essays: