IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays children mostly spend time playing computer games rather than sports. What is the reason for this? it is a negative or positive development.

Computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 are
complained
Verb problem
often criticised
show examples
to have
Change preposition
for having
show examples
 no value
to educate
Change preposition
in educating
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 by their parents
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 these
games
Use synonyms
 are
also
Linking Words
 argued to have exerted lots of direct impacts on their
both
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
mental and physical development in negative ways. From my perspective,
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 not only have detrimental influences but
also
Linking Words
 have benefits
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
. For
Use synonyms
children’s
Use synonyms
 study, video
games
Use synonyms
 seem to be useless and wasting-
time
Use synonyms
 in their
parent's
Check wording
parents'
show examples
 discussions.
However
Linking Words
, these
games
Use synonyms
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
proved
Use the right word
proven
show examples
 that they have many benefits for the players. They help
children
Use synonyms
 with quick-thinking skills because many challenges or missions appear suddenly
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 require players to handle
Correct pronoun usage
them with
show examples
with in
Use the right word
within
show examples
 a short
time
Use synonyms
. These skills would be advanced in learning when the
children
Use synonyms
 have an exercise or a test that has a
time
Use synonyms
 limit to deal with. Having said that, the more
time
Use synonyms
 the
children
Use synonyms
 spend on playing
games
Use synonyms
, the less
time
Use synonyms
 they spend on studying; so they have to reach
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 balance between studying and playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
. To talk about the impacts of
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 on
Use synonyms
children’s
Use synonyms
 health, it continues to be a controversial topic. First of all, online
games
Use synonyms
causing
Wrong verb form
cause
show examples
 negative
impacts
Punctuation problem
impacts,
show examples
relies
Verb problem
depending
show examples
 on how a child
playing
Wrong verb form
plays
show examples
 them. If the child is addicted to
games
Use synonyms
 and does not have
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 ability to control that, he will become puny and unenergetic without doing other sports. Sitting passively in one place for a long
time
Use synonyms
 to play
games
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 causes bone and joint disease at an early age. In fact, online
games
Use synonyms
 have positive influences for
children
Use synonyms
 who play them consciously , because they relieve stress and reduce fatigue after classes.
Besides
Linking Words
, it is a chance to make friends online
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 could improve the
communicating
Replace the word
communication
show examples
 skills of
children
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
children’s
Use synonyms
 mental and physical development
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 affected by many factors
such
Linking Words
 as family, environment, education ,..., not only by video
games
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, I suppose that
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 have both advantages and disadvantages for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
. Parents should pay more attention to their
children
Use synonyms
 and raise
the
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
Use synonyms
children’s
Use synonyms
 awareness in order to
minimize
Use the right word
minimise
show examples
 the negative effects
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

content
State your view clearly in the first paragraph. Say whether the trend is positive or negative and why.
structure
Use one idea per paragraph and begin each with a topic sentence that sums its point.
content
Give a real example or a clear reason to back each point.
structure
Use linking words to show order and contrast (for example, first, also, however, in addition, on the other hand).
language
Check grammar. Fix long sentences and common mistakes to be easy to read.
content
The essay shows a balance of good and bad sides.
structure
It has a clear intro and a conclusion.
content
It tries to cover study and health effects, not just one side.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: