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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

IELTS Many people believe that music is just a form of entertainment, whilst others believe that music has a much larger impact on society today. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some
people
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 argue that
songs
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 are only a way of entertaining themselves,
while
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 others say that nowadays,
music
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 can affect society significantly.
While
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songs
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 have an impact on the community by changing social and political problems, I believe they are just a way
for relaxing
Change preposition
to relax
show examples
 and
killing
Wrong verb form
kill
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 time. On the one hand,
music
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 is a means of social and political change. Musicians can open their fans' eyes to phenomena against human rights globally, or even wars that no one is talking about, through their
songs
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.
As a result
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, social media would start discussing the issue and launching campaigns to force authorities to take action.
For example
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, in 1969, John Lennon released a
song
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 called 'Give Peace a Chance'. The
song
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 addressed the struggle that the Vietnamese
people
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 were going through in the Vietnam War, and it made a lot of US citizens join the movement against the war. As a matter of fact, the
song
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 itself became the official anthem of the movement.
However
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, I believe that
music
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 doesn't have that much influence on
people
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, and
this
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song
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 is something exceptional, and we are more
likley
Correct your spelling
likely
 that we won't see anything like it again.
On the other hand
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,
music
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 is a means of enjoyment and relaxation.
People
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 want to hear joyful
songs
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 that can separate them from reality and can lighten their mood when they are going through hard times
and
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, and
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 just forget about the
songs
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 afterwards.
For instance
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, I only listen to
music
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while
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 I am driving because I want to kill time, and I don't care about the lyrics as long as it sounds good to me. I believe that
this
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 school of thought is preferable because many
people
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 are listening to
songs
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 about gangs and drugs
but
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, but
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 they will not really get affected by them because it is just for fun
nothing
Punctuation problem
, nothing
show examples
 more. In conclusion,
while
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music
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 can positively influence
people
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 by raising awareness of the tragic events occurring around the world, I believe that most individuals simply wish to listen and enjoy themselves, as they already experience enough stress in their lives.

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structure
Plan a bit more in the intro. Say what view you will give and how you will show it.
structure
Make a clear ending. Repeat your view and sum the main ideas.
coherence
Each paragraph has one main idea. Start with a short line that tells it.
coherence
Link ideas with simple words like first, then, also, but, in addition.
content
Add more real and simple examples to back your point.
structure
Shows both sides of the issue.
content
Gives a real life example from history.
perspective
The view is clear.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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