IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people say that the Olympic Games no longer have a role to play in the 21st century. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #olympic #games #role #st #century
As the tradition, the Olympic
Games
 come under scrutiny about its role within the framework of the modernised world especially in the twenty-first century. There is much well rooted controversy, but I still maintain that today there is much value in the
Olympics
.One of the most apparent concerns people have about the
Olympics
 is the high price tag attached to the hosting of the event. Most hosts are left with huge expenses and costs as families lose their homes and industries and other amenities are demolished in the name of developing these specialized infrastructure and arenas.
For example
, Athens
Olympics
 in 2004 damaged the Greek economy, which in result led to the country’s financial problem.
This
 has brought the debate on whether it is worth thereof to host the
Olympics
, given the economic losses that are likely to be incurred.
However
, these ‘defects’ destroy the essence of Olympic
Games
 as a significant platform that unites the world and encourages athletes to act fairly. They offer an opportunity to people with various disabilities to come and fore their talents in certain activities. The
Olympics
 encourage the exchange of cultures between nations, a feature that can be valuable in the modern world given that nations are becoming more and more intertwined. All the events of the 2021 Tokyo Olympiad were a great example of how to perform and stay strong when facing challenges and uncertainties,
such
 as the COVID-19 pandemic, and provide people worldwide with hope and motivation.All in all, it can be concluded that with all the many challenges for the Olympic
Games
 in terms of costs, concerns for environment, the stimulating role of the
Games
 remains significant in the sphere of international unity, sports, and inter-cultural interaction.
Therefore
, with
such
 understanding of the problem,
further
 pedantic amendments of the stated problems allow the
Olympics
 to be a positive influence in the 21st century.18:49/-strong/-heart:>:o:-((:-hXem trước khi gửiThả Files vào đây để xem lại trước khi gửi
Submitted by nguyenhoanghadl on

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task achievement
The essay could be improved by providing a clearer thesis statement in the introduction to explicitly state the writer's position. As it stands, it's not entirely clear whether the writer agrees or disagrees with the statement regarding the role of the Olympic Games in the 21st century.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, each paragraph should stick to a single clear idea. For example, discussing the costs associated with hosting the Olympics in one paragraph and then addressing its unifying benefits in another can make the argument more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Consider using transition words and phrases to better link sentences and paragraphs together, thereby improving the logical flow of the essay. This will help guide the reader through the writer's line of reasoning more effectively.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support the arguments presented. For instance, the reference to the Athens Olympics and the economic downturn was a good start, but elaborating on this and providing additional instances would strengthen the argument.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, discussing the financial costs of hosting the Olympics as well as the unifying benefits and inspiration they provide.
coherence cohesion
The writer has a good command of vocabulary and demonstrates an ability to use varied sentence structures, which contributes to the essay's readability.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and provides a recommendation for the future of the Olympic Games, tying back to the thesis statement.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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