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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion

Some people suggest that
music
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 is good for how to bring people who come from different cultures and ages together. In my opinion, I firmly agree that
music
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 is an effective and efficient tool to connect with each other. On the one hand, there are a variety of types of musical categories around the world. To some existing
music
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 types,
such
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 as R&B and
K-Pop
Use the right word
K-pop
show examples
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music
Punctuation problem
music,
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 are typical symbols of fusion. R&B is combined with
blue
Fix the agreement mistake
blues
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,
classic
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classical
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, and a few proportions of African
music
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.
While
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K-Pop
Use the right word
K-pop
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 is obviously
resourcing
Verb problem
drawing
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 from American
Hip-Pop
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hip-hop
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music
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 and Korean idol culture.
In addition
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, these two types of
music
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 influence a majority of the public
over
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around
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 the world, it’s
an
Correct article usage
apply
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evidence that
music
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 is
a benefit
Correct word choice
beneficial
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 for fusion.
Music
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 is not only an art piece, but
also
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 a common opening line to start a conversation with new friends.
However
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,there are some potential factors that
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music
Verb problem
limit music
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 is limited by areas, religions or some political elements
,
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;
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 the internet
supplies
Verb problem
allows
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 us to across over these barriers through the platforms.
Moreover
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, even without the languages or words, the melody and
ryhthm
Correct your spelling
rhythm
 help us to express the abundant emotions and cultures.
For instance
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, we can be touched by the sounds from playing the instruments,
while
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 some of the compositions have been transferred from a few decades and
remained
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retained
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 their own melody but modified the content or translated
in
Change preposition
into
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 different languages. In conclusion, I suggest that
music
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 is
the
Correct article usage
a
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 positive way to bring different cultures and ages together. It’s a significant and powerful connection between the public
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 it is helpful for
culture
Replace the word
cultural
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 fusion.

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task-management
In the intro, say your view clearly in one line and say what you will talk about.
idea-development
Grow each idea with detail. Give simple, real ideas from music to show how music can bring people together.
coherence
Make each para have one main idea with a clear topic sentence. Use easy linking words to move from one idea to the next.
language
Fix grammar and use correct words. Use easy, straight words and check spelling.
language
Keep style simple and not too long. Check that sentences be short and clear.
content
Clear view in the intro.
content
Some good tries with music types like R&B and K-Pop.
coherence
There is some paragraph work and links.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
What to do next:
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