IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion

It is highly debated that
music
Use synonyms
 is a suitable method of bringing
people
Use synonyms
 of various
cultures
Use synonyms
 and
ages
Use synonyms
 together. I partly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement, and the reasons will be explained as follows. On the one hand, there are several reasons that lead to
music
Use synonyms
 becoming a good way to stimulate interaction between
people
Use synonyms
 from different
cultures
Use synonyms
 and
ages
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, individuals from diverse
cultures
Use synonyms
 usually face language barriers when they communicate.
However
Linking Words
,
music
Use synonyms
 can truly break the limit. Take Blackpink, a well-known K-pop team from Korea, as an example. They have a wide range of fans from various
ages
Use synonyms
 around the world,
although
Linking Words
 audiences cannot understand Korean,
people
Use synonyms
 can easily feel the emotions and energies from the rhythms.
Secondly
Linking Words
, listening to
music
Use synonyms
 does not demand any cost or techniques. Most
people
Use synonyms
 can access
music
Use synonyms
 easily without considering their cultural backgrounds and
ages
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
music
Use synonyms
 does not seem to be the most effective approach.
Firstly
Linking Words
, not everyone enjoys
music
Use synonyms
; other hobbies like dancing, sports, or food may be more suitable for them.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, there is no doubt that travel is a direct and comprehensive method to learn about
people
Use synonyms
 from different
cultures
Use synonyms
 and
ages
Use synonyms
.
People
Use synonyms
 are able to know deeper about each other,
such
Linking Words
 as their living areas and traditional cuisines, by means of interacting with local residents during their trips. In conclusion,
music
Use synonyms
 is a great way of bringing cross-cultural individuals together
due to
Linking Words
 its accessibility and barrier-free communication.
However
Linking Words
, it is not the only option because there are some alternatives,
such
Linking Words
 as dancing and food.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Task response: Make your view clear in every part. Give more strong ideas with more real examples to support your claim.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Use linking words neatly. Some lines are long or awkward. Try to keep one idea per paragraph and use simple links like but, and, also, so to show how ideas follow.
structure
Clear plan with an intro, body and conclusion.
balance
Shows balance by giving both sides of the issue.
example
Uses a real example (Blackpink) to back ideas.
readability
Easy to read and the flow is good.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
What to do next:
Look at other essays: